A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink …..
so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.
The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people."
The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school.
On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?" John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood drive.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type O."
I don’t get why people hate necromancers so much.
Can’t a guy just raise a family in peace?
A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and asks the barman….
“Can I have a drink for me and one for the road”
“No, I don’t think I will”
Why was the baby jalapeno shivering?
He was a little chili.
Saving for the bad days
🎶 Where at least I know I’m free 🎶
Gotta look for all traffic
“It is a Progressive Web Application”
Glad we cleared that up
I snuck up behind my daughter and whispered, “I think our microwave and our TV are spying on us!!! And I also think our vacuum cleaner…”
"…has been gathering dirt on us for years!"
The mob may be the mother of tyrants, but Judas also claimed to be a brother to Jesus.
Too many times brother….
9 months later!!!
John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.' 'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?' 'Yes, I do.' Said Keith. 'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?' 'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out,'I have to admit that I did.' 'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?' Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?' She just died and left me everything.' (And you thought the ending would be different!)
It’s All Yours, Baby!
Pandemic Boomer humour
Boobs are like legos
They're really for the kids, but the dads always end up playing with them
Where do crayons go for vacation?
Colorado. (My 8 year old just made it up)
Why doesn’t the Pope like trigonometry?
It has a lot of sin
Recursive functions be like
If a midget smokes weed…
does he get high or medium?
When you alter the library to fit your application
What’s the difference between a casino and a church?
You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.
I wish I could clean mirrors for a living
Its just something I could see myself doing
Probably the best funeral services ad..
Tomorrow is about 2.8kiloseconds away.
Undefined reference to main.
A Chinese guy and an Englishman walk into a bar.
Over the next hour, the Englishman drinks a lot of alcohol and goes out of control. He begins to scream cuss words and annoy everyone in the bar. Just as the bartender is planning to throw him out, the Chinese guy says, "Hi, sorry for bad English"
Throwback to the time Stephen Fry encountered a kakapo
I called the tinnitus hotline
It didn't stop ringing
When you start working for a company that doesn’t do code reviews
SHUF > EVERYTHING
Why does 10 have PTSD
Because he was in the middle of 9 11
Goes by the name “Bunkerboy.”
Code reviews be like
Did you know that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands? And the same thing applies to the Virgin Islands;
There are no canaries there either.
Software Engineers in the Class of 2020
Don’t use beefstew as a computer password
It's not stroganoff
Posted this 3 years ago but still my oc
Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It's time consuming.
I never really got an answer, just more suggestions
PETA is like a box of chocolates
They kill dogs
A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.
The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you." The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five". The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?" "No" says the boy, "But he minded his own fucking business."
No words can describe my thought process.
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
… because Dawn is tough on Greece.
“Employers, what’s the most inappropriate thing someone’s worn to a job interview?”
If Robocop was a transformer,
Would his name be stoptimus Crime?
Title says, “All hail Zuckerberg”. One of my WhatsApp groups.
My wife said we should hire a maid. “The job will get done a lot more often, and they’ll do a way better job!”
Apparently "Should we hire a prostitute for the same reasons?" was the wrong answer.
A man escapes from prison where he’s been for 15 years. He breaks in to a house looking for money, guns, and/or a car, instead he finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the husband out of the bed and ties him to a chair. After tying the wife to the bed he gets on top of her and kisses her neck, then goes in to the bathroom. At which time the husband tells his wife: "Honey, this man's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! I saw the way he kissed your neck, he probably hasn't seen a woman in years, if he wants sex give to him, don't resist, don't complain, just go with it no matter how sick It makes you. He's probably dangerous, if he gets mad he will most likely kill us. Honey, I love you, be strong. To which the wife responds: "Oooh, honey, no? He wasn't kissing my neck he was whispering in my ear. He said you looked very cute and asked if we had any vasoline. I told him yeah in the restroom. Give him what he wants, honey be strong i love you too."
Boobs are like the sun
You can only stare at them for a few seconds . But if you put sunglasses on, you can stare at them all you want.
George Foreman named all his kids George Foreman.
He even used the name when he had a little grill.
What nationality is Santa?
My Dad just hit me with this one
A song came on on the speakers and I asked "Is this green Day?" He replied "No, it's valentine's Day"
The “Avengers: Endgame” trailer had 289 million views in 24 hours.
It would have been 578 million views, but…
Shock the pool
Female bad male good
Somethings better left unsaid
What does a house wear?
Atheism and Religion are two sides of the same coin.
One relies on heads while the other is just based on tales.