A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him
“I want to be President one day.” Trump says, “Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?”
The kid replies, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.”
She kept screaming “I’m Wei Tu Yung”. Like I was supposed to know the name.
Turned on On my lap Virus free
I'm going to put my glasses on.
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
But at least he is better off than the guy who was chased by a bus. That guy was tired.
We just clicked.
I was watching an Australian cooking show, and the audience applauded when the chef made a meringue.
I was surprised. Usually Australians boo meringue.
A boy and his father are walking through the woods. The boys asks, "Father do trees poop?" The father looks at the boy and says "Of course, that's where #2 pencils come from."
Because when he found the position, he couldn't find the momentum. And when he found the momentum, he couldn't find the position.
She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds." I asked her: "What do you think it means?" She smiled and said: "I don't know…" Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present. I still don't know why she didn't like this book called 'Dreams and their Meanings'.
It’s really gotten out of hand.
After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."
In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.
It would be really hard to tell where the gunshots are coming from
Now the steaks are high.
But anal will make your hole weak
I replied, people who sell fruit and vegetables to eat are grocer
Two loading animations!
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
So the guy has a couple drinks and asks about the sign. Bartender says the horse is in the back. So the guy goes back there and pretty soon the horse is laughing uproariously. Guy collects his $500 and leaves. When he comes back next week, the sign has been replaced by one that says “make my horse stop laughing and win $500”. So the guy once again goes to the back and pretty soon the laughter is replaced by sobbing. The bartender says I’ll give you the $500 but you have to tell me how you did it. So the guy explains that the first week he told the horse “my dick is bigger than yours”. The bartender asks “so what did you tell him just now?” “Nothing, I proved it”.
XI is just a fucking asshole.
No text found
Because there is a lot of reposting to do.
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
Dad: "Well pick one son, you can't do both"
He said, "So you know how we finish each others' sentences?"
I guess we are raised differently.
But that’s just my two scents.
It was a lawn distance relationship.
What is the best type of pan to cook fish in? A CAST iron pan. Get it? Because you have to cast for fish. I thought it was super cute!
But I've never had any beef with them.
which is why you seemed bright until you spoke.
Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early? Prisoner: It's bec… Officer: Yes? Prisoner: I think i have… Officer: Go on. Prisoner: Can i please finish my sentence! Officer: Sure, Parole denied.
I had plenty of time to kill.
“Yes,” he says. “My dad taught me.” “Can you tell me what comes after three?” “Four” “What comes after six?” “Seven” “Very good,” says the teacher. “Your father did a very fine job. What comes after ten?” “A jack,” answers Little Johnny.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said “Parking Fine”. So that was nice.