A mindfuck of emotions went through my inner 14yo’s brain
Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump.
But it's a silly comparison really, it's like comparing apples to oranges.
I asked a young pretty homeless woman if I could take her home?
She smiled and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked away with her cardboard box.
A homeless man meets a rich man on Christmas Eve.
The homeless man asks the rich man, "What'd ya get for your wife this year?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Tesla." The homelesa man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them." The homeless man nods. The rich man proceeds to ask him, "Well, what did you get your wife this year?" The homeless man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo." The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The homeless man proudly reponds, "Well, if she don't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."
When you try to fix a minor bug and expose a fundamental flaw in the core design
https://ift.tt/2Q9AxGf
I say no to alcohol.
It just doesn’t listen.
My fish just ate another one of my fishes but it’s just hanging out of his mouth
https://ift.tt/2G2jC26
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
What’s tiny and can be found on the beach?
A Microwave.
Guy named Eddie walks into the men’s room at a bar.
As he's standing at a urinal, another fellow walks up to a nearby urinal. Eddie glances over and notices the other guy has no arms; both of the sleeves of his jacket are empty and folded over. Armless guy says to Eddie, "Hey buddy, do you think you could help me out?" "What can I do for you?" says Eddie, praying he isn't going to ask what he thinks he might. Sure enough, he does. "I know this is a lot to ask of a complete stranger, but would you mind unbuttoning my trousers so I can take a leak? As you can see, I'm in a tight spot here." Eddie grimaces a little before reluctantly agreeing. He quickly reaches over and undoes the guy's zipper. Armless guy then says, "Do you think you could, you know, pull it out for me? Sorry to ask, but I'm about to piss myself. Eddie says, "You gotta be kidding. You're asking me to grab your dick and aim it towards the pisser?" "Please, man, I don't have any other options here." Eddie, feeling sorry for the guy and feeling pissed off simultaneously, mutters to himself as he reaches in, and gingerly pulls out his dick. As he does, he first of all notices this putrid smell before seeing several open oozing sores on the guy's dick. Totally disgusting. While the guy is pissing, Eddie rushes over to the sink and washes his hands in hot water. As the armless guy finishes up, Eddie grabs a couple of paper towels because he knows what's coming. Sure enough, he gets asked if he'll put it away for him. As he tucks the guy's horrific pecker back into his trousers and buttons him up, Eddie says to the guy, "OK listen, I'm sorry but I have to ask … What the hell is the deal with your dick?! "Beats the shit out of me," he answers, and then produces both arms from inside his jacket and slides them into his sleeves, "But I sure as fuck don't want to touch it."
What do you call a German virus?
A germ.
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath…
…but I can't even finish drinking the hot bath…
If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN…
They become VERY ANGRY
I respect tyres.
They've got plenty of wheelpower.
Three men get lost in a forest and kidnapped by a cannibal tribe…
The chief tells them that since they don't seem to mean any harm, they must pass a test and if they do, he'll let them go free, he'll even point them in the direction of civilization. But if they cannot complete the test, they will be killed and served for dinner. First, he sends each of the men in a different direction and tells them to go into the forest, get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit, and bring it back. It can be any kind of fruit as long as they get ten pieces of the same kind. Man A gets back first with ten apples. The chief tells him that while they wait for the other two, he can do the rest of the test. "It's simple," the chief said, "you just have to stick all ten of the apples up your butt without making a sound." Man A gets one apple in with no sound, but he grunts in pain on the second and thus is killed. Man B arrives next with ten small blueberries. He is told the same thing as Man A and begins the challenge. He is on number nine, doing great and making no sound, when he bursts out laughing and is killed. In Heaven, Man A and Man B stand together in line at the Pearly Gates. "You were doing so well!" Man A said. "Why did you laugh?" Man B started laughing again and responded: "I just couldn't help it… I saw Man C coming back with pineapples." Fun fact: This is the first joke I remember ever being told. My cousin told me and his younger siblings it, and we laughed for like an hour.
All the comic books I inherited from my brother have their last page ripped off.
I have to draw my own conclusions.
Did you hear about the baby strawberry?
It’s parents were in a jam.
Why did the hipster fall into the lake?
He went ice skating before it was cool.
What’s dark but always shines?
Shoe polish.
The World Health Organization (WHO) announced that dogs cannot get Covid-19. Dogs can be released from quarantine.
So now we know “WHO let the dogs out"
I don’t often tell dad jokes…
Because I haven’t see him in 15 years.
Why did the Little Mermaid wear seashells?
Because Dshells were too big.
I’ve never been good at scrapbooking…
…but I guess I can give it the ol' collage try.
A guy with a gun enters a bar, and asks “who the heck had sex with my wife ?!”
A guy in the back shouts "you don't have enough bullets"
People who can’t stop buying full length mirrors…
…need to take a good long look at themselves.
Husband: Why are the defective condoms lying on the sofa?
Wife: What? Wife goes to find them and comes back angrily saying: I will kill you, if you don't stop calling our children 'Defective Condoms'. Edit: Guys this is just a dark joke… It's not real… I didn't overhear any conversation like that… And I don't have any kids of my own…
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
I went into a pharmacy and asked “what gets rid of Coronavirus?”
The assistant replied “ammonia cleaner” I said “I’m sorry, I thought you worked here”