A minor inconvenience
As a conservative, I could never date an extrovert
Their socialism is just too much
Today I saw dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall.
I thought to myself "Now, that's a little condescending".
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
Wanna know what gets me down
Stairs
What do ducks smoke?
Quack.
What do you call a child with a caffeine addiction?
A tea toddler
“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old man. “You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.”
"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all." "So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" asked the 70-year-old man. "No, I have one every morning at 6:30." Exasperated, they both ask: "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?" "I don’t wake up until 7:00."
I keep seeing the quote on women’s tinder profiles, “If I was meant to be controlled I would have come with a remote.”
Jokes on them, I've been turning women off for years without a remote.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
To the one who stole my glasses,
I'll find you. I have contacts.
What is Bruce Wayne’s favorite food?
Goth Ham
I got a picture of myself in a locket for my 18th birthday.
I am now independent.
Why does the Norwegian navy have bar codes on the side of their ships?
So they can Scan da navy in
Her: Why don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?
Me: That’s a…..novel idea.
My girlfriend has the weirdest way to start a conversation with me..
„Were you even listening to me?!“
So, my twin brother just called me from prison.
He said, "So you know how we tend to finish each others' sentences?"
A husband and wife are playing a crossword puzzle
Husband: Emphatic no, 5 letters. Wife: Never. Husband: Pistol, 3 letters. Wife: Gun. Husband: Disgust, 3 letters. Wife: Ugh. Husband: Charity, 4 letters. Wife: Give. Husband: Female sheep, 3 letters. Wife: Ewe. Husband: Pixar movie, 2 letters. Wife: Up.
A very old joke called, “Why Worry?”
Why Worry? In life, there are really only two things to worry about. Either you are well, or you are sick. If you are well, there's nothing to worry about. If you are sick, there are two things to worry about. Either you get better, or you die. If you get better, there's nothing to worry about. If you die, there are two things to worry about. Going to Heaven, or going to Hell. If you go to Heaven, there's nothing to worry about. If you go to Hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands with all your friends that you won't have time to worry…so why worry?
Damn girl are you a redditor?
Cause you just keep repeating the same shit
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: "Efficient."
What do you call a masturbating Vegan?
A WeedWhacker (sorry if it’s awful first time on this sub)
My wife threatened to kick me out of the house if I did not stop acting like a Flamingo.
That was when I put my foot down!
I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.
The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.
I am dad now
This just happened at the dinner table. My Dad was talking about how he got up very early for work. The conversation went like this: Dad: “Man, I woke up way too early this morning and it completely threw me out of sync.” Me: “Well, why were you sleeping in the sink?” My Mom rolled her eyes. I am Dad now.
Why don’t churches have WiFi?
They can't compete with an invisible force that actually works. 😀
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately falls absolutely silent…..
…in a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde girl. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?" The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Politicians are like sperm
Only one in a million turn out to be a human being. Edit: I got my first silver. Thank you people <3
So a priest is walking across the market and he hears a fisher yell”DAMN FISH GET YOUR DAMN FISH” so the priest walks up to the fisher and says “you can’t just swear like that you’ll make god angry” on which the fisher replies “this is an misunderstanding these fish were caught at the dam they’re
Dam fish” The priests understands what the fisher means and buys 2 dam fish when he comes home the priest asks his wife “can you cook these dam fish for supper tomorrow”on which the wife replies surprised”dear you’re a priest you can’t just swear like that” on which the priest explains the situation. The wife understands and cooks the fish. The next day they are eating the fish and the priest asks “can someone pass me the dam fish” on which the priests son replies “that’s the spirit dad can someone pass me the fucking fries”
Why do nurses need red crayons?
Because sometimes they have to draw blood.
Son: Hey dad why won’t this screw go in
Dad: Make sure you're screwing down into the wood Son: Oh crap, I screwed up
If you hit Dwayne Johnson’s ass
Does it mean you hit rock bottom
I got hit in the head by a soda can the other day…
Luckily, it was a soft drink!
I buy my guns from a guy called T-Rex
He’s a small arms dealer.
I remember 2018…
Like it was yesterday.
Imagine being held at gunpoint by (bear with me) a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on social media.
wHo the hEll would beLieve such a thing can hapPen.
Why are so many plants transgendered?
Because plants have less stygma to stamen.
