A mom was cleaning her twelve-year-old son’s bedroom.
Under the bed she found some serious bondage gear and other fetish material. Horrified, she asks the dad what should they do with him.
Dad:"Well I'm no expert but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
Imm so good at sleeping
I can do it with my eyes closed
I dig, You dig, We dig, He dig, She dig, They dig.
It's not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
NBC is developing a new realistic docudrama about Abraham Lincoln.
The finale will be shot before a live audience.
My girlfriend just asked me when I last had sex with someone that wasn’t her
I said- "Back in 02." It sounds much better than "February"
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the date they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room. They said: “Thank you.”
I said: “Please don’t mention it.”
My son cheated on his physics test, and has no idea how much trouble he is in.
He doesn’t understand the gravity of the situation.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention
We were better than The Cure.
How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?
Tell him Obama put it in
I just poked myself in the eye.
I can’t see myself doing that again any time soon.
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and it settles on their land.
Two 95 year old men, Jack and Sam, are huge baseball fans.
One day, Jack falls seriously ill, and doesn’t have long to live. Sam visits him in the hospital to say goodbye. Sam asks him a favor before he passes. “Hey Jack, when you get to heaven, can you see if there is baseball there? If there is, tell me.” “I can certainly try, for my best friend.” Later that Wednesday night, Jack passed away. Thursday night, Sam is asleep in bed, when all of the sudden Jacks spirit appears in front of him. “AHHHH! Who are you?” “Calm down, calm down. It’s me Jack.” “Good hell, you scared me half to death.” “It’s ok, but I’ve come with good news and bad news.” “Well, what’s the good news then?” pondered Sam. “There is baseball in heaven.” “Thank goodness,” said Sam, feeling wonderful, “but what’s the bad news?” “You’re pitching Tuesday.”
Why can’t miss piggy count to 100?
Because when she reaches 69 she gets a frog in her throat.
Guy walks into a bar. He sees a jar full of twenty dollar bills. He asks the bartender what it’s for.
"I have a horse in the stable behind the bar. You put in twenty bucks and try to make my horse laugh. If you make him laugh, the whole jar is yours but if you fail then you're out twenty bucks." So the guy puts in twenty, goes to the stable and a minute later the horse is laughing hysterically. Guy walks back to the bar and without saying a word to the bartender, who has a stupefied look on his face, takes the jar of twenties and leaves. A year later the same guy comes back to the bar and sees another jar full of twenties. He asks the bartender what it's for this time. "Well, ever since you came in here last year, my damn horse hasn't stopped laughing. You put in twenty bucks and if you can make him stop laughing the jar is yours." The guy puts in another twenty and goes to the stable. A minute later, dead silence. Not a sound from the horse. Guy walks back and picks up the jar. As he's about to leave, the bartender says "Hey wait a minute. You gotta tell me how you made my horse laugh and stop laughing when everyone else couldn't do either." The guy says "The first time I told your horse that my dick is bigger than his. The second time I proved it."
Why don’t women work at the post office?
It's a mail dominated industry.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex
My girlfriend insists that it says 'dyslexia' but what does she know.
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves…
…but I don't like to point fingers…
A man applies for a job as a lumberjack
Well sir, do you have any lumber jacking experience? Yes. I was part of an elite team of lumberjacks who worked on the largest lumberjacking project ever for nearly 3 years. Oh. You don't say? Where exactly was it you worked? The Sahara Forest in Africa, Sir. The Sahara Forest? Don't you mean the Sahara desert? Well sure, that's what they call it now.
She texted me: “your adorable” I responded saying “no. YOU’RE adorable”
Now she thinks I like her even though I was just correcting her grammar.
A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree. It shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree”
The lumberjack smiled, “and you will dialogue”.
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear Sir, We have terminated your internet service due to illegal copyright violation practices. Sincerely, Your ISP
I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny, and the Tooth Fairy.
Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later,
A drunk man was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk man ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth.." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
Where does a horse go when it gets sick?
The horse-pital Just kidding it gets shot
Post Malone has canceled his tour.
Does this now make him Postpone Malone?
What’s more Irish than potatoes?
Not having potatoes.
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
Old MacDonald is up to something. He types out his song “E-I-E-I-o.”
I just can't trust a guy with shift-E-I's.
My boss asked me if I could perform under pressure.
I said no but I do I a pretty good bohemian rhapsody.
A photon checks into a hotel.
The bellhop asks: "Hello, can i help with your luggage?" "Oh thanks, no need, i am travelling light."
During my boxing career, I was the 2nd best boxer in my country.
I fought in over 100 fights, and came 2nd every single time.
What is this, some kind of Boomer joke that I’m too Millennial to understand?
https://ift.tt/2H77fSO
The director of Pulp Fiction…
Quarantino.
I went to the therapist after my phone died.
I just needed an outlet.
There is a fine line between numerator and denominator
Only a fraction of people will get it
My wife said she is leaving on account of my sexual fetishes
I said fine! slam the door on my cock on the way out
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests
He goes over to the first priest and says, "Dude, I'm Jesus Christ!" And the priest says, "No son, you're not." So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says, "Man, I'm Jesus Christ!" Then the priest says, "No son, you're not." Finally, the drunk had had enough and said, "Here, I'll prove it." He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says, "JESUS CHRIST, you're back AGAIN?"
A friend of mine said to me the other day “What rhymes with Orange?”
I said "No it doesn't."
My wife is really mad that I don’t have a sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right!