A murder of crows
I don’t understand why people celebrate pi day
It’s irrational.
Ok,so if corona virus isn’t about beer,
Why do I keep hearing about cases of it?
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes
it's all about raisin awareness
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck
I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup…
I told her I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete in a tournament yet.
Where can you get gas for a $1.49?
Taco Bell.
Where did Noah keep the bees on his Ark?
The Ark hives.
An Aussie walks up to a fruit stand.
"Mind if I give the melons a squeeze?" he asks. "Go right ahead!" the fruit lady replies, handing him one. He gives it a good few squeezes, more than necessary. A bit impatient, the fruit lady assures him: "That's ripe!" "No, it's not!" the Aussie replies, dropping the melon in disgust. "You gave me consent!"
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.
He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her. The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.” So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place. He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?” “No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”
Why is the horse so happy?
Because he lives in a stable environment.
If male cows ate one another instead of hay…
It would be appropriate to serve meals to them as "Can-a-bull."
Does anyone know Bruce Lee’s dad’s name?
It's always been a Mr. Lee to me.
Who don’t blind people go skydiving?
It scares the shit out of the dog.
People get impressed when I tell them my home is designed by a famous Italian.
Until I invite them home and they realize I live in a Fiat.
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
If Jesus was real they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion…
They would call it crucifact.
I keep hearing people say “sweet Jesus”…
…but if you ask me he tastes saviory
I saw a cannibal at the nursing home the other day, he was walking around making fun of all the residents. I realized then that I actually had something in common with him.
I too find vegetables to be tastier if I roast them first.
It’s tricky knowing when to take the tea bag out.
There's a steep learning curve.
Why does ketchup always have good vision?
Because Heinz's sight is always 20-20.
Why do cows wear bells around their necks?
Because their horns don’t work!
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
If you feel the Bern you should vote for Bernie Sanders
That way you can get a doctor to take a look at it
What do you call a fight between a Martian and a nerd with no social life?
Alien versus Redditor.
Why are dogs afraid to go to space?
Because of the vacuum
I’ll always remember what my grandfather said to me just before he kicked the bucket.
He said, "Grandson…How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
An owl babysat my son so I could go to the hoedown.
It was a hootin' nanny.
Sad news….I lost my job as a stage designer,
I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.
What do storm troopers and churches have in common?
Pew-Pew-Pew-Pew-Pew
Just so everybody’s clear…
I’m going to put my glasses on…