A naked woman robbed a bank
Nobody could remember her face
Only retards do that
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
I can tell just by looking at them.
I'm trying to get out, but all the roads have this weird design flaw…
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!" The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"
My dad didn’t beat cancer.
Specifically jokes for a 2nd in command, or 1st Officer to the Captain. Like: "Hi, I'm second in command so I have to drive the ship when the Captain gets seasick." Or "Hi, I'm second in command, which means I do the hard job and the Captain gets credit for it!" I'd be grateful if anyone can share any.
The horse says "Sure."
Me: “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
“Well son…you see that man with no arms sitting over there? Tell him to clap.” “Mom! I’m blind.” “Exactly.”
…but it’s harder to deter gents
I've had it up to ear with him.
But later on they grew on me
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man. “No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects. “I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!” The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill. “No,” the patient says, “I am fine with pills.” The dentist then returns and says, “Here is a Viagra tablet.” The patient says, “Wow – I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain pill.!” “It doesn’t,” said the dentist and continued: “But it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth.”
But to me, March 14th will always be cake day.
I won't be able to live with myself.
and both of them turned out fine.
now it’s called edison
The other driver got out of his car, and turns out he was a dwarf. He ran up to me and exclaimed "I'm not happy!" So I said, "Well, which one are you then?"
But that was a type-O
She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!" The doctor replies, "Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital." She says,"My brother? That guy is a moron! Why would you do that?" "I am sorry ma'am, we had no choice. There was nobody else. He even took the liberty of naming them." "What??", she says. "What did he name my daughter?" "He named her 'Denise' " says the doctor. "Oh, well that's not so bad. What did he name my son?" To which the doctor replies, "He named him 'Denephew' "
Because then it would be a foot