A nasty ole storm blew away 25% of my roof last night…
oof
My wife said we should hire a maid. “The job will get done a lot more often, and they’ll do a way better job!”
Apparently "Should we hire a prostitute for the same reasons?" was the wrong answer.
My girlfriend repeatedly kept calling me a flamingo!!
So I had to put my foot down
Oops.. I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen records
Now I want to break three
An airline pilot, who didn’t realize his microphone was live, said to the co-pilot:
"Man I could sure use a hot cup of coffee and a blow job from that red-headed flight attendant!" That statement was heard throughout the plane and the furious red-headed flight attendant unbuckled her seat-belt and stormed off toward the cockpit. Seeing this, a passenger shouts, "Miss! Miss! You forgot the coffee!"
My wife just admitted that she broke my favorite lamp.
I don’t think I can look at her in the same light ever again.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have his vengeance.
Me- “Do you know in middle east most of married girls can’t even vote on Facebook opinion poll”.
Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east". Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".
My friend charges £20 for postcards of East Africa on a plank for children to play on.
She sells Seychelles on the see-saw.
Four engineers get into a car. the car won’t start.
The mechanical engineer says : "its a broken starter" The electrical engineer : "dead battery" The chemical engineer: "impurities in the gasoline" The IT engineer: "Hey guys , i have an idea how about we all get out of the car and get back in".
A man is washing his car with his son. The son says…
Why can’t you just use a sponge?
why cant you hear the pterodactyl pee
because its dead
Is infinity odd or even?
Oddly enough, it's even. But even so, it's still an odd concept.
It’s really weird playing Uno with a Mexican.
They never get any green cards.
When you realize Trump got himself impeached by digging up dirt on the wrong guy.
https://ift.tt/2GhxbL1
My friend told me she doesn’t like Roman Numerals because you can’t make puns from them.
I told her, I for one, like Roman Numerals.
A man wanders back home at 3:00 am.
His wife: You are late.You said you would be home by 11:45 pm. Man:(Casually) I said i would be home by a quarter of 12.
I believe the Avengers 4 title will be Avengers: Blindness
Because they lost their Vision
“Hi my name is David and i lost my ID…
… I guess you can call me Dav now."
“Father, why is my name ‘Rose’?
"Because just after you were born, a rose petal landed on your head when we were leaving the hospital." "Is that also why my sister's name is 'Daisy'?" "Yes it is." "eherrnnanenhahenrnanehh" "Quiet, Brick"
My partner and I can never agree on vacations.
I want to go to exotic islands and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.
If a blind girl tells you your dick is the biggest she’s ever felt
She's probably pulling your leg.
I don’t get all the excitement surrounding Nintendo’s new product announcement…
My house is full of light switches!
I recently visited a pickle factory
The experience was jarring.
People mostly get shocked when the find out that….
I'm a bad electrician.
Me running my code again without changing anything expecting it to suddenly compile
https://ift.tt/3bpzR73
A kiss might make her day.
But anal will make her hole weak.
So I lost my job at the bank on my very first day…
An old woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Pizza clerk: We have a special today – buy one pizza, get the second one free
Dad: Then we'll just have the second one !
A blind man walks into a bar
And a chair. And a table.
A Muslim guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines. So I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
My girlfriend said, “I want a ring.”
I said, "Take your phone off silent." That's when the fight started.
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her front pocket and thinks:
Some asshole has my pen
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio