A navy recruit has his first day on the submarine
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.
"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."
The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.
"Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."
The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.
"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."
The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.
"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"
The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
I gave up my seat in the bus for a blind person.
That is how i lost my job as a bus driver.
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes
it's all about raisin awareness
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.
But when it happens no one is shocked.
Did you hear about the photographer who got lost in the woods?
He died of exposure.
What do houses wear?
Address

Marathon runner ran 26.3 miles to spell out âBOSTON STROGâ in her fitness app
https://ift.tt/2VtzPWC
A movie with a 3.14 rating is a pirated movie.
No text found
Why can’t a newborn be fooled?
Because he wasn't born yesterday
Arguing with my wife is like reading a software license agreement
In the end, I ignore it all and click "I agree".
Some crocodiles decided to get together and sing parody songs.
It's a pun-croc band.
Whatâs the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
One takes things literally and the other takes things, literally.
A couple, both age 67, went to the doctor’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?” The man stated, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”
AÂ couple, both age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man stated, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse", and he charged them $50.00. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90.00. The Hilton charges $108.00. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from my insurance company!"
Why didnât the lifeguard save the hippy?
Because he was too far out man
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
He conditioned it.
Where does Walmart keep the Terminator toys?
Aisle B, back.
What do orcs want above anything else?
More doors.
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him…
She says hello. Heâs rather taken aback because he canât place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies: "I think youâre the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says: "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly: "No, Iâm your sonâs teacher."
Robin: Did you name all of the products in the bathroom after yourself Batman?
Batman: Of course not. Robin: Batshampoo? Batman: Okay, yes there is that. Robin:……… Batman: But there is also Conditioner Gordon

While Trump goes off the rails about Russians helping Sanders lets not forget.
https://ift.tt/2unJRh4
Itâs April 1st…
Happy April Fluâs Day!
I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner
It was just collecting dust
A snake walks into a bar…
The bartender says "How'd you do that?"
My second wife left me because I have “revenge issues”
We'll see about that…
The other day I drank a new kind of tea that is made by steeping a book in hot water.
Probably won't have it again. It was just a novelty
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.
Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
The world ended when I kissed an alpaca.
It was the alpaca-lips.
I told a girl she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
Whatâs the difference between a female farmer and Hitlerâs girlfriend?
One bales her hay and the other hails her bae
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta
How do dancers ensure job continuity during the Covid crisis?
They twerk from home.
My penis is so large…
…when I lay it across the keyboard it stretches all the way from A to Z!
Are you tired of boiling water every time you make pasta?!
Just boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later!!
Why don’t Jews eat pussy?
It's too close to the gas chamber. Edit: Jesus Christ, look at that, I got silver! Not 30 pieces, but anyway.