A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a drink, bartender looks at him and says
"for you, no charge."
As a doctor, I never make a joke about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
My favorite sex position is called WOW.
It’s where I flip your MOM over.
If pronouncing my B’s as V’s makes me sound Russian
Then soviet.
What do you call a line of blonde people?
A barbie queue
I asked SIRI why I was still single.
She turned on the front camera.
How do you get your ducks in a row?
Use duck tape, of course!
If abortion is such a mature subject,
why does it bring out people's inner child?
Last weekend I went to see my gf’s soccer match and she did this awesome save…
…She's definitely a keeper! EDIT: This is the first joke I make up myself as a non-native speaker. I'm proud.
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
I asked the doctor if I could administer my own anaesthetic…
He said, “Go ahead. Knock yourself out!”
Why does a mathematician eat 9 times everyday?
So that he has 3 squared meals per day
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
I have a Polish friend who is a sound technician,
and a Czech one too.
I never say the N-word in my house. Even when Im alone.
Just in case a black person is breaking in. I wouldn’t want to offend them.
Why are gay people always laughing
Because they can't keep a straight face
Why did your parents always get mad a window breaks?
Because they’re a pane to replace.
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
The owner of a circus goes into the big top to inspect it
While he's there this scrawny little guy walks in. He walks over to the boss, and he says ''Are you the boss here?'' The circus owner says, ''Yeah. What do you want?'' The kid says, ''I'd like to join the circus. I got an act." The carnie is intrigued, so he says, ''Oh, yeah? Well, let me see what it is.'' So this little guy goes over to the center pole and he starts climbing up the pole. And he goes all the way up. He climbs up and up and up. He goes all the way up to the very peak of the big top. And he looks down, and he takes a deep breath and he leaps off, and he starts flapping his arms. And he starts flying! And he flies all around the big top! He goes all the way around the place. He goes around the center pole. Pshew! He goes loop-de-loop through the trapezes. Then he gets all the way up and he takes a nosedive right down to the ground. Flapping his arms like mad. And he lands right next to the boss. And once he's safe on the ground again the kid asks, ''Well, what do you think?'' The which the boss says, ''That's all you do? Bird imitations?''
I lost 150 pounds!
Unfortunately it was at a casino in England
I was applying for Australian citizenship.
The interviewer asked "Do you have a criminal record?" "No. Is that still required?"
If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don’t they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?
Because they don't have access to black magic.
Just found out I’m allergic to plantains today.
I'm okay but I went into bananaphylactic shock.
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?
He drank his tea before it was cool 😎
Two reasons I don’t give money to homeless people. 1) They are going to spend it all on drugs and alcohol
2) I am going to spend it all on drugs and alcohol.
I was at the library today when a black guy came up to me and asked me where the colored printers were.
I replied, "Dude, it's 2019, you can use whatever printer you want."