A new leaked photo from Nasa reveals an actual photo of Australia taken from the ISS.
NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.
Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus. Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put under a god damn tarp in the god damn shed.” Santa, in complete shock, pulled Little Johnny’s parents aside and said “In all my years, I have never seen a little boy with such a foul mouth.” His parents replied “We know, but we have no idea what to do about his behavior. We’ve tried everything.” Santa thought about it and said “Here’s what we’ll do to teach him a lesson, every place that Johnny asked for a present, we’ll put a pile of dog poop.” The parents agreed to try Santa’s plan. On Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and immediately looked under his bed. Seeing the pile of poop, he ran downstairs to the Christmas tree and checked underneath. Finding another pile of poop under the tree, he ran out the door and threw open the shed door. Finding a tarp in the shed, he quickly pulled back the tarp and found yet another pile of poop. Johnny walked out of the shed and started looking all around the yard. After a while his parents asked him sarcastically “So Little Johnny, what did you get for Christmas?” Without missing a beat, Johnny looked at his parents and said “I think I got a god damned dog, but I can’t find the motherfucker!”
If you really think about it condoms are just sonblock.
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What do you get when you cross an Irishman with a German?
A guy who's too drunk to follow orders.
Did you hear about the transgender vegan?
He was a herbefor
Thanos has a favorite social media
Snapchat
What did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head?
"I only have my shelf to blame…"
I took a viagra this morning but it got stuck in my throat
I’ve had a stiff neck all day
What’s the difference between the swine flu and the bird flu?
One requires oinkment, and the other requires tweetment.
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ‘You died in your sleep, Bob….’ Bob was stunned. ‘I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home…. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? ' 'Never,' said Bob. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.' Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell….. 'BOB, wake up……. You've shit the bed!
The recipe said, “Put the stew in at 180 degrees” , so I did…
Now it's all over the bottom of the oven…
I tell a lot of dad jokes, but I don’t have kids.
I guess that makes me a faux pas.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants
The bartender looks at him and says, “Do you know you’ve got a steering wheel in your pants?” The pirate goes, “Aye, it’s been driving me nuts!”.
My wife thinks I should sing Solo
Solo that no one will hear me
Today is national peanut butter day.
Spread the news
I’m assuming that none of the Jenners ask Kylie to make breakfast.
Since she can't even beat an egg
What’s better than Ted Danson?
Ted Singin and Dancin
A Guy Picks Up A Hooker For The First Time.
They come into his house, and he throws off his shoes, and holy Jesus christ almighty his toes! The Hooker Asks: "Oh my god, what is with your toes?!" The guy responds with: "I had TOElio when I was younger" They move on, the guy takes off his pants and HOLY CRAP his knees they're all wrinkly and it's indescribable. "Oh God! Your Knees! What's wrong with your knees?!" "Oh I had KNEEsles when I was younger" She lifts up the bedsheet and says: "Yeah looks like you had smallcocks too"
I bought my dad a refrigerator for his birthday.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it
I was given MDMA and LSD tonight…
What a shit way to start a game of Scrabble.
I found out how vaccines cause autism,
Vaccinated kids live long enough to be diagnosed with autism.
4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar
The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light. The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke. The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied: "I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."
Why didn’t the sperm donor have any free time?
Because he had loads to do.
When does a bad joke become a dad joke
When you replace the b with a d
I once went on a date with a cross eyed girl
It turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time
Why dont ants get sick?
Because they have anty bodies.
Sad news….I lost my job as a stage designer,
I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C?
Because you can't C in the dark
To the person who stole my glasses
I can still drink from the bottle
When trump said we’d get tired of winning, I didn’t believe him. Boy was he right.
https://ift.tt/2xjopeD
Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?
The Second-Hand Store.