A new pilot has his first day in a real cockpit and he asks the pilot…
"Wow, there's so many buttons and switches. How do you remember what they all do?" The captain replies, "I don't, but for the love of God don't touch the dusty ones."
Until the police came and removed me from the library.
It was just soda grading
After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in the bathroom medicine cabinet, he asked his son about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10. a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow." Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110. "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
"Take your brother to see a movie for his birthday. Keep him out until 2:00 while your father and I set up his surprise party." That was the day I realized my brother was the favourite twin.
I’m so glad it was a soft drink
Now more of their users are getting off than ever.
I apologize to everyone in the sub about my earlier post. I was trying to make a funny joke, but I spelled the title wrong and couldn't go back. After that, everything spiraled out of control. I thought about deleting it and pretending it never happened, even denying it's very existence, but after a moment of reflection I realized: There's no use lying over spelled milk.
It’s a trap
I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
I'm seeing a lot of new faces here in the crowd this week and I have to say I am very disappointed.
I’ll beheading there shortly
Mostly so I can get a better girlfriend.
He tractor down.
A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors
. The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.” He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.” The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes. The Russian says, “That, gentlemen, is courage." The American says, “That's nothing.” He calls over a PO and says, “I want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return." The PO salutes, jumps off the bow, swims to the stern, and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes. The American says, “That, gentlemen, is courage." The British admiral says, “That's nothing. Sailor, come here." The matelot comes to attention and salutes. The admiral says, “I want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again." The matelot looks at the admiral and says, “You can fuck right off, sir!” The admiral turns to the other two and says, “And that, gentlemen, is courage."
When I asked for nuns?
But don't worry, I'm 0K.
Who’s there? Hike. Hike who? Warm midnight falling. Stars shining, dancing brightly. Peaceful all at once
Turn off the lights.
It's a step by step guide.
But when i got out of prison, it was totally worth it
Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
His blood tested positive for Coke.
but I knew she'd come crawling back.
When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it. As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks. The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just whiskey." "But it's sinful and wicked!" "How do you know it's so bad, then? Have you ever tasted whiskey?" "Of course not! My sisters and mother superior told me how evil drink is." "But how do they know? Have they ever had a drink?" They go back and forth like this for a while, before at last, the nun relents. "Well, I suppose that if I were to try a sip of whiskey, I would better understand how it corrupts the soul. But it wouldn't do for any of my sisters to come by here and see me drinking. Could you order me one in a teacup?" The man agrees this is fair, and walks inside to the barman. "Two whiskeys, but put one in a teacup, please." The barman slams his hand down on the bar and shouts, "Is that damn nun here again!?"