A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.
At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply.
Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
I just flew in from Chernobyl
And boy are my arms legs
So I can legit ride a unicycle. My mom told me it was a waste of time and would never get me anywhere in life….
I said “no mom! Where there’s a wheel, there’s a way!”
Why can’t a pirate ever finish the alphabet ?
Because they are always stuck at C. 🐟🦑🐙
I woke up this morning and saw a bird of prey in my backyard eating avocado toast and yelling “Ok Boomer!”
It was a millennial falcon.
So many people complain about how much money it is to fill up their car with gas.
I save money by filling up just the tank.
What’s up with the dark jokes subreddit?
I don't see anything funny there.
I was going to post a time travel joke
But you didn't like it.
What do you call a big boat trying out for a job?
An internship.
Apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password.
It’s not stroganoff.
Why do French riot police leave early for work?
So they can beat the crowd.
A dung beetle walked into a bar and said
Is this stool taken?
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
Always knock before opening the fridge.
There could be salad dressing in there.
My dad is addicted to ladders
He uses them to get high.
I have some jokes about unemployed people.
But I know they won't work.
I wish I could travel back to 99 and do this myself!
I wish I could travel back to 99 and do this myself!
How many ears does Mr. Spock have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
A dad was washing his car with his son.
After a while, the son turned to his dad and said "Hey Dad, why can't we just use a sponge ?"
Two blind pilots enter a plane.
They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence. The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second. All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a bad joke. In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says : "You know what? One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die."
I don’t tell dad jokes often
but when I do, he laughs
I threw a boomerang a few years ago..
I now live in constant fear.
The Queen just knighted the first cow in history.
He is Sirloin.
With the recent spike in sex toy purchases because of corona virus, I can only draw one conclusion.
The virus is literally making us go fuck ourselves.
The amount of bad coronavirus jokes is starting to reach worrying numbers.
Some scientists claim it might become a pundemic.
A priest, a monk, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank
The rabbit says, "I'm a type O."
As a dentist, I only get paid for each prosthetic implant I complete…
Nothing dentured, nothing gained!
Why do some people post long jokes here?
This isn't where they be long.
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
Finally done some exercise
feels like a weight's been lifted
My country has so many thieves who try to steal the cat. So i have to do this =3=
https://ift.tt/2Yt7DTW
And Jesus said “Come forth and receive eternal life.”
But Peter came in fifth and won a toaster.
Dyslexic jokes about trees are O. A. K.
No text found
What do you call a five foot psychic that’s escaped from jail?
A small medium at large.
A nun gets into a cab and notices that the driver can’t stop staring at her.
So she asks him why is he staring and he answers, "I have a question I need to ask you but I don't want to offend you." The nun replies, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you have had a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." The cab driver hesitates for a moment and then says, "Well it's like this; I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me." The nun replies, "Ok well, let's see what we can do about that, shall we. There are two conditions though, firstly you have to be single and secondly you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, yes! I am single and I'm Catholic too!" The nun then says, "Ok then, pull into the next alley." The cab driver does so and the nun duly goes ahead and fulfills his fantasy. They get back on the road and start driving again, but the cab driver soon starts to cry. The nun sees this and asks him, "My dear child, pray tell, why are you crying?" The cab driver says, "You must forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied to you, I must confess that I'm married and I'm also Jewish." The nun laughs and says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
One company owner asks another: “Tell me, Bill, how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?”
Bill replies: “Easy. 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.”
Physics is full of problems
And chemistry is full of solutions
Why did nobody laugh when the king farted?
Noble gasses don't cause a reaction