A nice find on facebook
How do you ruin a joke?
A man recently immigrated to a new land were he doesn’t speak the language. His fellow workers take him to lunch everyday. One of them teaches him to order Apple Pie and Coffee for himself. For weeks, this is all he orders.
Morning, Apple Pie and Coffee. Noon, Apple Pie and Coffee. Night, Apple Pie and Coffee. Getting tired of this same meal, he asks his coworkers to teach him a new dish to order. He learns Steak and Eggs. Waitress: Hiya hon’, Apple Pie and Coffee as usual? Man (smiling proudly): Steak and Eggs! Waitress: Oh! Changing it up to day! How would you like your eggs? Scrambled, sunny side up, poached, fried? How would you like your steak? Rare, medium rare, medium, medium well, well? . . . . . . Man: … Apple Pie and Coffee.
Here's a list of puns I've been collecting: How do you throw a space party? You planet. How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars. Nope. Unintended. The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower. A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans." A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says "Make me one with everything." Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now. What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene. The broom swept the nation away. I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words. What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back for seconds. What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium. I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize. Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor. Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?” Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france? There was nothing but des brie. Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy. What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous. Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks. A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils. After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it. I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it. To write with a broken pencil is pointless. I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down. I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me. What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison. What should you do if you’re cold? Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees. How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it. The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery. What did the alien say to the pitcher of water? Take me to your liter. What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs? You have a vowel movement. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran. Sausage puns are the wurst. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. How did Darth Vader know what luke was getting him for his birthday? He could sense his presence. Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything. What’s the difference between a bench, a fish, and a bucket of glue? You can’t tune a bench but you can tuna fish. I bet you got stuck on the bucket of glue part. What’s it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials. Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind, it’s too cheesy. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales. Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban. Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah. Why did the man dig a hole in his neighbor’s backyard and fill it with water? Because he meant well. What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up? It becomes daytrogen. What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks. What’s america’s favorite soda? Mini soda. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing. What kind of car does a sheep drive? A lamborghini, but if that breaks down they drive their SuBAHHru. What do you call a spanish pig? Porque. What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards? A receding hairline. Why don’t vampires go to barbecues? They don’t like steak. A cabbage and celery walk into a bar and the cabbage gets served first because he was a head. How do trees access the internet? They log on. Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.
I tried to go last night, but they were clothed.
They'd crack each other up
Because he always stays in the Lois Lane Kill me pls
She hates my mandates.
That they're politicool… Im biased but i think its genius
I watched it all unfold.
Visitor: "How old is that Tyrannosaurus skeleton?" Guide: "70,000,006 years." Visitor: "Wow. How can you be so precise?" Guide: "They told me it was 70,000,000 years old when I started working here."
You can't do that. Bishops can only move diagonally.
Son: what did the fig say to the table? Me: I don't know, what did the fig say to the table? Son, angry voice: Hey! I'm asking the questions here. You FIG-ure it out.
The sign reads ”Beware! The End is near! Turn around now before it is too late!" A car full of atheists drives by at full speed, and the atheists yell at the monks "Go fuck yourselves you lame ass religious nuts!" Suddenly there's a sound of screeching tires, terrified screams and a splash! The first monk looks at the second monk and says "Brother, do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?”
“Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least ten times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because it doesn’t smell and is silent.” The doctor says, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.” The next week the lady returns. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly.” “Good,” the doctor says. “Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games. I stopped him and said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” He considered that for a moment before replying…
"Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
I was walking to the bedroom with a 20-ounce drink. My son was hiding behind the wall and said "boo". He asked "were you scared?" I told him "no, but what if I were and spilled this drink all over myself?" He said "then that would be on you". I told him "nice pun". He still doesn't get it.
The servers are currently down…
It runs in our jeans.
Sometimes, he laughs!
It was my new year's resolution.
Just add a G and it’s gone
He's now known as Dr Awkward.
Instead, they got: French Industry, American culture, and British cuisine
But people who rob bakeries really take the cake.
I’ll be studying a broad.
Then it grew on me.
Because if they had 4 they'd be called chicken sedans.
I said, "Sometimes I pull it down over my face and pretend it's a balaclava."
It was motherfucking gold.
So a guy calls the front desk of the hotel he's staying at and says, "I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window." The front clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that sounds like a personal issue." And the guy says, "No, it's a maintenance issue. The window won't open."
A garbage truck
I told them that they can just call it pants.