A nine-year-old boy was in his mother’s bedroom while his father was away at work.
Suddenly, he heard his mother coming in with a man and hid in the closet. The two kissed, then began to make out, before suddenly the front door opened and the boy could hear his father calling from downstairs. His mother quickly took her lover and shoved him into the closet, unaware that her son was in there.
"Dark in here," the boy says.
"Yes, it is," the man replies.
"I have a baseball."
"That's nice."
"Want to buy it?"
"No, thanks."
"That's my dad outside."
"How much did you say the baseball was again?"
"$250."
The man reluctantly paid the boy, and after waiting for an hour, finally managed to sneak out of the house unseen.
A few weeks later, it happens again.
"Dark in here," the boy says.
"Yes, it is," the man replies.
"I have a baseball glove."
"That's nice."
"Want to buy it?"
"No, thanks."
"I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad."
"How much did you say the glove was again?"
"$750."
"Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"
"I can't. I sold them," the boy replies.
"Really? How much did you sell them for?"
"$1,000."
"It's terrible to over-charge your friends like that! That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
"Dark in here," the boy says.
The priest growls. "Don't start that shit again."
Why did the Mexican take Xanax ?
For Hispanic attacks
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward
That’s just how I roll
Did you hear Marry Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?
Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious
I don’t get why everybody hates Hitler.
I mean, he killed the leader of the Nazi party for god sakes.
In 2020 we’re going to have an entire year of bad puns about vision
I can see it clearly.
On Endor, how does a gentleman end a fight?
Ewocs away
I was walking along the other day and stepped in dog shit.
As I was wiping my shoe, I watched another guy also step in it. I said to him "I just did that". He walked over, punched me in the face and screamed, "You disgusting bastard!".
The skydiving instructor asked if there were any questions.
So…Is it a freefall? I asked him. He said, It is, indeed. I said, Good, because I haven't got any money.
Where do spiders get their drugs?
The deep web
Why does society seem to hate lazy people?
They didn't even do anything.
Nobody has ever trusted me with anything before… I think there’s a reason for that…
https://ift.tt/2I5vdhV
What’s that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?
Everyone I ask can't remember either.
Wife asked me if it was just her, or if the cat was getting fat.
Apparently it is just you was not the correct response n
“Hey girl, lets go to my place, we can watch a movie or something.”
"I don't know… do you have any toilet paper there?"
Whenever I go to a sauna, I must have the whole thing to my self…
I have selfish steam issues.
After being single for years, I finally found the perfect match online.
It produces a greenish flame and it looks really cool while I'm lighting up my cigarette.
What’s the best thing to put on a hot dog?
Water, to cool him down.
“You’re the bomb!” “No, you’re the bomb!”
In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.
Teaching my 3 month baby girl C++, wanna make sure she gets OOP by the time she talks.
https://ift.tt/32pWaG8
Which planet has the most bread?
Jupitta
Why did the baby go to jail?
Because he was resisting a rest.
What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
I don’t know and I don’t care.
A man goes to confession and says, “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”
The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies, "Yes, father. I used the "F-word" over the weekend." The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language." The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue. "Well father," he begins. "I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church." The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?" The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I hooked my drive well left into the trees." The priest said, "And that's when you swore." The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree." The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?" The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away." The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?" The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole." The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed that fucking putt!"
Two dyslexics walk into a bra
No text found
Genders are just like the twin towers…
There used to be two, but now its a sensitive subject.
Flying the Confederate flag doesn’t make you a racist.
It’s usually the other way around.
Welcome to a post from literally any Facebook page that has “laughs” in its name
https://ift.tt/2Pyt6qZ
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
What do you call a dinosaur that takes good care of his teeth?
A floss-o-raptor
A man found a genie lamp
When the rubbed it the genie came out and stated the rules. Genie: You cannot wish for more wishes, immortality, or love. Man: I wish to not die a virgin Genie: I just said no wishing for immortality
Police have arrested the world tongue-twister champion
If found guilty he'll be given a real tough sentence