A Nine year old girl has gone missing after using moisturiser that makes you look 10 years younger
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They do everything on porpoise.
batman: check the battery robin: whats a tery?
Because he is an absolute unit.
A so-be-it union.
Because they're so damn good at it.
He doesn’t understand the gravity of the situation.
TIL: A recent study found that the newest strain of head lice is resistant to conventional treatment.
That left scientists scratching their heads.
and says, "can I have a martini please?" "Dry?" "No, just one."
It’s the last time I’ll sleep on the train with my mouth open.
My son's shitty drawing of a snake
I made a computer program read 100 jokes from this subreddit, then made it tell a joke based on those. Here’s what it said.
Why did you make me read the same thing 100 times?
By a virus from China , named after a Mexican beer?
…I can't pull anything out in time!
I'll beheading there shortly.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute." "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
It's not proper to kiss on a first date!
Because they have little anty bodies
Teller: Bank Robber: I SAID WHERE'S THE SAFE? Teller: Bank Robber: ANSWER ME! Penn: He always does this
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
A redneck. What do you call a cousin-fucker in Europe? Your Majesty.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Because she couldn’t control her pupils.
Because he conditioned it
It doesn’t last long for fat people.
His cones don’t work.
So I got one second hand and one first hand.