A non prophet organization
RIP to his back. Looks like he got a tattoo of a bum who lives near a basketball court.
https://ift.tt/2GEHKrF
Whatâs the opposite of sad pie night?
No text found
Got my dick wet for the first time today
Just learned about this shower thing, pretty cool
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her glue stick.
She still isn't talking to me.
We got pulled over and the cop wanted to know if my dad knew why. “With all due respect sir,” my dad replied…
"If you forgot, I'm not going to remind you."
Whats the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to your devices and accesses your data, the other is a hardware standard.
We were walking past a lingerie store, and my wife said, âI want to try on the bra in the front window.â
I said, âI think you might have to use the dressing room like everyone else.â
Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign..
"The way you've taken is wrong, stop and turn back now, before it's too late!" The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a sparse finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later a loud crash is heard. One of the nuns thoughtfully says, -Sister, shall we just write: "Attention, the bridge is demolished?"
Why can’t you email a photo to a jedi?
Because attachments are forbidden
How much does it cost to buy a large singing group?
"you mean a choir?" Fine… How much does it cost to "acquire" a large singing group?
âDad, are we pyromaniacs?â
âYes, we arson.â
I snuck up behind my daughter and whispered, “I think our microwave and our TV are spying on us!!! And I also think our vacuum cleaner…”
"…has been gathering dirt on us for years!"
A hurricane is headed for a small town. The news says that everyone needs to evacuate. A religious man in the town says “I’m not going to leave my home, God will protect me”.
The hurricane hits, and it's bad. There's mass flooding, and the police come to the man's door and tell him he needs to leave. The man says "I'm not afraid, God will protect me." The police give up and leave him. The water rises in his house, so the man is forced to climb onto his roof. Just then a National Guard boat comes by and tells him to get in. The man says "I'm not afraid, my God will protect me" and refuses to get in the boat. Eventually the National Guard is forced to give up and move on to help others. Then the man drowns. When he gets to the pearly gates he meets God and says "God, why didn't you protect me?" God sighs and says "I sent you the news, the police, and a boat. What fucking more do you want?!"
Smoking will kill you. And Bacon will kill you. But…
Smoking Bacon will Cure it.
How do you milk sheep?
With iPhone accessories.
Why did the homophobic buffalo cry?
It had a bison.
I crafted a tiny cover for my pet bird’s chair.
It's a crow chez crochet.
My wife sent me an article that says men’s beards have more germs than dogs.
I said of course. There are no dogs in my beard. https://imgur.com/B7mUpUc
Nobody’s heard from the Zamboni drivers since the NHL cancelled their season.
I'm sure they'll resurface at some point.
My order of a dozen bees came with 13 bees
When I called customer service about it they said, â oh thatâs just a freebie.â
Doctor: You have a disease that causes memory loss.
Me: Is it contagious? Doctor: Is what contagious?
Found this one in the local paper and translated it
So an honest lawyer, a hard working politician and Santa are walking and they find a 100⏠note on the ground. Who is going to pick it up? Santa because the first two don't exist.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
How do you know when your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.
When you wanted to be the princess but instead you’re the villian of her fairytale
https://ift.tt/2Wlpmgm
Ninety-five year old virgin
Ninety-five year old Caroline died a virgin. Her last request stated that her headstone should read: "Here lies Caroline, born a virgin, died a virgin" The stone-cutter had a busy day, and made a shorter version, reading: "Caroline, returned unopened"
Wife was cleaning 12 year old son’s bedroom
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
What does Donald Trump’s hair and a thong have in common?
They both barely cover the asshole. EDIT: I leave this up for a few hours and 500 upvotes already?! Thanks everyone! EDIT 2: WOW! MY FIRST MEDAL EVER! THANK YOU KIND REDDIT STRANGER!
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
What did 2 tell 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Donât worry about him. Heâs just a product of our times.
A man is on a stretcher, being prepped for surgery.
The surgeon walks in, takes a deep breath and says: âOkay, David. This is a simple operation.â The man says: âMy name isnât David.â The surgeon replies: âNo, itâs my name.â
My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records
Then I got kicked out of the library.
I took the shell off of my pet snail to see if it would move faster
But it just ended up being more sluggish.
Husband and Wife
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues…"Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years". "I remember that too", she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says… "I would have gotten out today!"