A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her front pocket and thinks:
Some asshole has my pen
Why do you sneak around in leather armor?
Because it is made of hide.
The son of a rich Saudi sheikh arrives in Germany for his University studies.
He soon writes home to his father. "Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad I am a little ashamed to be riding to class every day in my 24k gold Ferrari 599GTB when my professors, friends and many fellow students all travel by train. Your son, Ahmed" Promptly, his father writes back. "My Dear son Ahmed, $20 Million has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing our family. Go and get yourself a train too. Love, your dad"
How many dead bodies does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, it's not 6, cause my basement is still dark
As soon as you find someone with 10,000 bees, marry them.
Thatâs how you know theyâre a keeper.
When I was a kid, my Dad asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I was greedy and came up with the âbrilliantâ idea to ask for 10 thousand bucks instead of a toy so that I could buy heaps of toys.
To my surprise he shrugged and said sure. On Christmas Day, I excitedly tore open my gift box. To my anger and disappointment, it only contained 10 plastic toy pigs and deers. âDaaaaaddd!!!!â I wailed in tears. Dad gave me the biggest shit-eating grin and said âWell, I got you ten sows and bucks just like you asked.â
After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils. They dilate.
In America, dogs are K9…
In China, dogs are E10.
I threw an iPhone into a lake the other day.
It's still syncing
I hate when people ask me where i see myself in 1 year
I donât know I donât have 2020 vision
The first time I had sex, it was in my parentâs bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, âThis is a bit awkward.â
I grunted, âJust ignore them.â
My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.
She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said "It didn't work out." She told me to be more specific so I said "I just told you, she didn't exercise."
[NSFW] So my friend pays someone every month…
[…] to pee on him whenever he wants. It's his monthly streaming service.
Juan comes to US/Mexico border on a cycle…
…with 2 large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in those bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bag and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analysed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and let's him cross the border. A week later the same thing happened. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his through examination and discovers that the bag contains nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on bycycle. This sequence of events is repeated every day for 3 years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him by coincidence. "Hey buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about and I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling." Juan sips his corona and says, "Bicycles."
How does Bill Gates count to ten?
1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, ME, XP, Vista, 7, 8,10.
Why does the Norwegian navy put barcodes on their ships when returning to port?
So they can Scan da Navy in
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language.
An Italian guy, a Polish guy, and a Japanese guy all apply for a job at an office.
The manager hires all three and tells the Italian, "Ok, you take care of the inventory". Tells the Polish guy, "You take care of accounting" and tells the Japanese guy, "You take care of supplies." The manager comes back after an hour and sees the Italian guy and the Polish guy working, but he can't find the Japanese guy anywhere. So all of them start looking for him. After hours of searching, they still can't find him so they give up and turn to go home for the evening when suddenly, the Japanese guy jumps out of nowhere and screams "SUPPLIES!!!!"
What did Sean Connery say when he saw a horse and buggy on the road?
Shomething sheemsh Amish
Did you know the first French fries werenât made in France?
They were made in Greece
People ask me,âwhere do you get your jokes from?â
I said âI reddit from somewhereâ
Funny because it’s ironic and Sad because corona time will never be the same again. đ
https://ift.tt/3bhTAoM
I asked my girlfriend to come to the gym with me and she didnât turn up
I guess the two of us arenât going to work out
How come Grizzlies never wear shoes?
Why do you think they're always Bearfoot 24/7?
I know someone who talks like an owl
No text found
I have a bunch of jokes about people who are unemployed.
But none of them work.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldnât possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, “Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?”
Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever Iâm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!" The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he took off his clothes and started banging his manhood on the dresser. His wife stuck her head out of the shower and asked, "Is that you, Bubba?"
A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors
. The Russian said, âI will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.â He calls a sailor over and says, âJump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.â The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes. The Russian says, âThat, gentlemen, is courage." The American says, âThat's nothing.â He calls over a PO and says, âI want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return." The PO salutes, jumps off the bow, swims to the stern, and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes. The American says, âThat, gentlemen, is courage." The British admiral says, âThat's nothing. Sailor, come here." The matelot comes to attention and salutes. The admiral says, âI want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again." The matelot looks at the admiral and says, âYou can fuck right off, sir!â The admiral turns to the other two and says, âAnd that, gentlemen, is courage."
My dad once told me that jacking off too much can make you go blind
Then I said "Dad, I'm over here."
If you put your left shoe on the wrong foot
then it is on the right foot
Why do keyboards never sleep?
Because they have 2 Shifts…
