A paedophile goings into a florist and says “I’d like to order some flowers”
“Orchids?” asks the florist
“No, just the flowers” he replied
Hillary’s emails
[deleted]
What do you call a homeless man with no porridge?
A no-porridge no-home man.
A Chinese child was born before his due date…
His parents named him "Sudden Lee"
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
The Mechanical engineer says: – "It's a broken starter". The Electrical engineer says: – "Dead battery". The Chemical engineer says: – "Impurities in the Gasoline" The IT engineer says: – "Hey guys, i have an idea how about we all get out of the car and get back in".
Racist jokes are like Mexicans
They're always crossing the line.
I tried to make a coronavirus joke a while back
Nobody laughed at first, but eventually everyone got it.
My wife just called me and said, “Three of the girls in my office just got some flowers for the holidays. They’re absolutely gorgeous!”
I replied, "That's probably why they got flowers then…"
Why don’t blind people go skydiving?
It scares the hell out of the dog.
To be frank
I’ll have to change my name.
Yesterday I got mugged by six dwarves
Not happy
I made a club about erectile dysfunction.
It was a flop, nobody came.
How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?
None they just beat the room for being black
I’ve just discovered that I have a logic fetish
I can't stop coming to conclusions
I took two pairs of socks golfing
In case I got a hole in one
Held the door open for a clown the other day
Thought it was a nice jester
I used to tell dad jokes.
He's dead now though.
Tim asked his bitcoin investing brother
For $10 worth of bitcoin B: $9.34? Why do you need $10.35 of bitcoin? T: I just want to start investing for college? B: Ok, I just sent you $24.39 of bitcoin for you. T: Thanks! Why did you give me more than I asked you for? B: I gave you $15.43, just like you asked. T: Okay, hopefully my $13.86 price will go up. B: No problem, Timmy. $4.31 isn't that much for me.
I was on the motorway and desperate for a wee.
"Quick, pass me your bottle!" I told my son, grabbing my crotch. Bloody useless that boy. He just sat there crying in his car seat.
If Hooters started delivering
Would they change their name to knockers?
I came home drunk from the bar last night, and the wife wasn’t happy.
"How much have you had to drink?" she demanded. "Not much" I slurred. "Look at me!" she shouted, "It's either me or the bar, which one is it?" I paused for a second and said "It's you, I can tell by the voice."
I was pouring morning coffee from our bodem and my wife noticed I poured mine first and asked why
I told her this way, she won’t have any grounds for divorce. Now give me my 7 upvotes
Did you hear they changed the font of alphabet soup?
Now it is Times New Ramen
Hindus are so chill
i’ve never had beef with any of them
Question: “What do people usually do first when they wake up?”
Shawn: "Yawn." Shaun: "Yaun." Sean: "Yean."
The only Americans who wave Nazi flags are the ones who helped Nazis meet Satan
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