A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel.
A realist sees a freight train.
The train driver sees 3 fucking idiots standing on the train tracks.
How to tell the gender of an ant?
If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats…
The avocado toast was worth it
I sense a lie
Thank you for your service
The first time I saw foot porn, I didn’t like it
So after a while I decided to give it another try, and it wasn’t half bad. I guess I got off on the wrong foot
Spiderman saves the day with help of a sad joke.
Posted unironically by my college professor. Hurr Durr, Phone Bad
Well they look like they only eat potatos anyway
Supa Hot Virus
What the developer makes vs What the designer made
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. "It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".
My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
When the Linux administrator needs more details.
If a girl is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think:
A. She is a prude and you have no future together. B. You two should spend more time together so she can get used to that level of openness. C. She should have sat somewhere else on the train?
i don’t really know what to right here so i am just gonna write this here
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
You would think “R,” but it’s actually the “C.”
And poof, she’s gone
Trump tried to kill himself and failed
it was a fake noose
The last 4 letters of “queue” aren’t silent
They’re waiting for their turn
I always hated bright side
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife
He says to the doctor, “Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.” “Well,” the doctor replied, “go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn’t reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we’ll get an idea about the severity of her deafness.” Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off standing about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping up some chicken and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks loudly, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” She replies, “For the fourth fuckin time, chicken!”
Even robots need a vacation from time-to-time
When I was a young man in in Army Cadets, we had big ornamental robot that we called ‘old-iron-sides’ with a big brass bugle that would play all the calls to the troops. In the morning it would play ‘reveille’ to wake, ‘mess call’ for meals, ‘drill call’ to assemble in the square, etc. We all got so used to these queues that we relied to them to know what to do at each time of the day. Until one day iron robot was silent and everyone was disoriented, not knowing when to get up, go eat or start a drill. Finally, I went to ask my commanding officer why there were no calls. He said “He’s taking a vacation day”. So I guess it was the Ferrous Bugler's day off.
I am so great!!
Calling US out
How do we know they’re really dead?
What did the deaf person think when he won the auction?
I’ve won, but at what cost?
a guy with a gun bursts into a bank and screams “a person’s regular occupation, profession, or trade. also known as a commercial enterprise.”
the old lady in front of him whispers to the teller, “I’d do whatever he asks. He means business.”
One way streets
Because saving lives costs too much money…
What starts with a “W” and ends with “hat”…
No text found
I’ve been saying “mucho” more when talking to my Hispanic friends.
It means a lot to them.
Your uncle David just lost his ID
Now you can call him uncle Dav.
Same day delivery
Is it true?
A LAWYER is getting out of his BMW when a semi rolls by, taking the open door clean off. A nearby cop has seen all of this, and runs over.
The lawyer immediately starts screaming and gesticulating about the value of his beamer and how much it’s going to cost him to get it fixed. The cop loses his patience and says, “You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money!” The lawyer is incensed and says, “How dare you call me materialistic? Do you know what I earn an hour? You have no idea what kind of pressure I’m under!” The cop says, “Well, you’re so concerned about your beamer, you didn’t notice the truck took your arm off at the elbow.” The lawyer looks down and screams “Fuck! My rolex!”
Programmers in a nutshell
Okay B O O M E R
Engine good Xbox bad
How many lightning bugs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but I have no idea how they got in there.
Today I thought of a color that doesn’t exist…
but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.
It’s the same for every language.
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system?
They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.
It’s just someone else’s computer
Who’s there? Daisy. Daisy who? Daisy me rollin’ they hatin’
Found the problem!!
Authorities have been trying to figure out how the Worcestershire sauce truck spilled…
But it's hard to say…
How child processes are made
He gets around
Sometimes I like to tuck my knees to my chest, and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.
What is GEN Z’s least favorite toy?
a BOOMERang. Ha.
It happened to me
He finally said something factual
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I brought this meme back from 2050
Wife bad, virus good
The accusation is perfectly fine.
I love my sub minimum pay part time job.
Trump’s parents are in trouble
They made a racist joke.
An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?" "Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied. "Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?" "No, it's turned black."
I love going outdoors…
It's much safer than going outwindows.
What do you call 52 pieces of bread?
A deck of carbs.
My landlord wants to talk to me about my high heating bills every month.
I said, “Sure. My door is always open.”
The inventor of auto correct died last week…
Restaurant In Peace