A picture is worth a thousand words.
My girlfriend is a star on pornhub.
And she'll kill me if she finds out.
I held the the door open for a clown today
I thought it was a nice jester.
As a new language, Braille is not that difficult to learn.
You just have to have a feel for it.
The doctor looked at my test results and said, “Sir, you’ve got a very rare disease.” I said, “How rare?”
He said, “You pick the name.”
Pinocchio, Snow white, and Superman
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a little stroll in town one afternoon enjoying the sunshine. As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world." "I am entering!" said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya go?" "I won First Place!," said Snow White. They continue walking and they see another sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world." "I'm entering" says Superman. After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?" "I won first place too." answers Superman. "Did you ever have a doubt?" They continue walking when they see a third sign: "Contest – Who is the greatest liar in the world?" Pinocchio quickly enters the contest. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes. "What happened?" they asked. "Who the hell is Donald Trump ?" asked Pinocchio.
The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous,
But backwards it’s even more stupid.
After my grandfather died, I inherited some of his clothes.
He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoony images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled, thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
Did you hear about the baby strawberry?
It’s parents were in a jam.
My Father thinks this is funny as hell. I need to leave the family WhatsApp group.
https://ift.tt/2Vbtvl6
It’s easy to prevent women from eating tide pods…
…but it’s harder to deter gents
My friend decided to have a testicle removed after he found a lump.
He is really hardcore about his mashed potatoes.
I just figured out why Beyoncé’s hair is always blowing in every picture.
It is because she has so many fans.
What do Asian cannibals eat?
Raw men
How do you know when your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.
“How much to buy a singing ensemble?” “You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?”
Samsung know I once bought one of their phones but they’re a bit sketchy on the details.
https://ift.tt/2ZvIt7n
Dr: “Sir, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”
Me: "AND?"
One of my friends stole all the DVDs of my horror movie collection.
In the end I decided to let him go. However, I still hold The Grudge.
Is sex a joke?
If it is, I don't get it
Y’all hear that “The Kool-Aide Man” started a baseball team?
He's the pitcher.
My girlfriend says our lovemaking is so bad because I’m so easily distracted!…
Ah well..back to it I suppose
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance
Unfortunately she blew it
If pigs could fly…
I bet their wings would taste delicious!
A desert island with six women
A bloke found himself stranded on a desert island with six women. To keep it fair, it was decided he would service a different woman every night and have Mondays free. After a few months the man was exhausted, realising how tiring it was to perform constantly every night except one. Then one day, to his joy, he found a man washed up on the beach who would be able to take some of the workload from him. However, his hopes were shattered when the man's first words were, "Hi, gorgeous, how about the kiss of life?" 'Oh f*ck,' thinks the man, 'there goes Mondays.'
When does a joke become a Dad Joke ?
When it's fully groan.
Have you all heard about the monk who claimed to see the face of jesus in a tub of margarine?
He said “i cant believe its not Buddha”
Queue is just one letter followed by four silent letters
They must be waiting for their turn.
Knock knock.
Who's there? Boo. Boo who? Aw, don't cry. It's just a joke.
I used to like Mitch Hedberg
I still do, but I used to too
What’s the difference between a toothbrush and an alligator?
If you don’t know, you better be careful next time you brush your teeth.
Duck a Fuck
A father gave his three sons a duck each and asked them to go and try to sell them for the best price. The first son went out and sold his duck for $5, went home and told his dad what he had done. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer. The second son also sold his duck for $5. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer. The third son went out and saw a gorgeous blonde woman on the side of the road. He went up to her and said I’ll give you my duck if you have sex with me. She considered it and said “Ok”. They had sex and when they were done she said wow that was good, I’ll give you your duck back if you’ll do me again. The boy agreed. While they were having sex again, the duck got loose and ran out into the road. They saw the duck escape and pulled their pants on but not quickly enough to prevent the duck from getting run over by a car. The driver jumped out of the car and said “I’m so sorry i killed your duck. I’ll give you $40 to make up for it. When the third son finally returned home in the evening, his dad asked how much he had made. He said “I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and forty bucks for a fucked up duck.”
A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.
He was absolutely delighted.
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long pole. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.
Why did the super villain cross the road?
To get to the other sidekick.
I was given MDMA and LSD tonight…
What a shit way to start a game of Scrabble.
What do you call a bear covered in strawberries
To be honest even I dont know u choose
An American walks into an Irish bar.
While on vacation, an American walks into an Irish pub and orders a drink. After a minute he says out loud, "I'll bet anyone in here $1,000 if they can take 10 shots of Jameson in a row, without stopping or vomiting." The bar gets quiet except for one man who gets up and walks out. The American laughs and continues to finish his drink. No more than 5 minutes pass, when the Irish man who left earlier, walks back into the pub and says, " I'd like to take ye challenge." The American laughs, buys the 10 shots for the Irish man and shows him the cash. Quickly the Irishman slams all 10 shots with ease. Astondished, but a man of his word the American gives the Irish man the $1,000 and says, "I just have one question, where the hell did you go?" The Irish man laughs and says, "Oh Aye jus went to the pub across the street to see if aye could do it."
Putin visits Estonia
Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin". "Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia". "Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".
“No one under FBI investigation should be able to run for president!” – Trump, 2016
https://ift.tt/38wtaz4
A man arrives to the airport with three bags
A man arrives to the airport with three bags. He walks up to the counter and says, “I have a ticket for Los Angeles. Would you be so kind as to send this bag to San Francisco, this one to Miami, and if at all possible this one to Japan?” The gate agent replies, “Sir, that is flatly impossible!” He counters, “That’s a lie, you did it last time I flew with you guys and I didn’t even ask!”
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon