A Picture’s Worth A Thousand Words!
Just heard that Harry is thinking of taking up painting full time after stepping down from the Royal family.
He'll be the artist formerly known as Prince.
If life gives you melons,
You might be dyslexic
I found a pen that writes underwater
It writes other words too
I have lots of unemployment jokes…
but none of them work.
I once swallowed a dictionary…
It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had…
I use to be addicted to tide pods.
But I'm clean now.
Why do skeletons never take any risks?
Because they have no guts.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make
Then they call me Ugly and Poor
[NSFW] Squeeze and Tug
A husband and wife were lying in bed trying to decide how to tell when the other one wanted to do the deed. The wife turned to the husband and said, “If I’m in the mood to get frisky, I’ll put your hand on my boob. If you too are in the mood, squeeze once for yes. If not, squeeze twice for no.” The husband said, “And if I’m interested, I’ll put your hand on my penis. All you have to do is tug once for yes, and tug 537 times for no.”
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink ?
Pencils posed a problem, 2B or not 2B
There’s only 1 rule in learning English
1.) Their our know rules
I would stay away from the Soviet Union
There's a lot of red flags you need to watch out for.
A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm.
When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven. Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder… "Want to make a bet while we wait?" The Gambler asks. "If I can guess your last words in three tries, you have to let me cut ahead of you." The old man, having nothing better to do, agrees. Immediately, the gambler begins "reading" him like the pro player he is. He notices the elderly Asian man's shirt is open, exposing a pair of defibrillator marks. "Don't be silly, it's just indigestion." the gambler remarks. The old man looks a bit surprised, then steps aside, giving up his place in line. Next, the gambler taps on a redneck's shoulder. He makes the same bet, and the redneck also accepts. "This one's easy!" the gambler smirks, sizing up the bruised, bloody, grass stained redneck with the caved in skull. "Hold my beer!" Muttering profanities, the redneck begrudgingly steps aside and gives up his place in line. Riding the high of a hot streak, the gambler wastes no time tapping the next man ahead of him on the shoulder. He quickly makes the same bet, and is ecstatic when the agreement is made. "Okay, let's see…" The gambler studies the new mark carefully. He's a large, imposing black man riddled with several bullet holes. The gambler holds his hand out like a gun. "You ain't taking me alive!" The man shakes his head. Wrong. The gambler strokes his chin. The guy is giving him nothing else to work with. The gambler holds the 'gun' sideways, makes a mean face, and shouts, "Fuck the police!" Wrong again. The gambler's getting frustrated, now. He's never been unable to read someone before. Finally, the gambler throws his hands in the air. "I'VE GOT NOTHING!" He shouts. "I GIVE UP!" The man steps aside.
Trying to write some clean jokes about bowling balls
but they keep ending up in the gutter.
So a guy and his gf are making out
and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad. After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings. “Oh shit, I have an important package coming, I have to get the door. I can’t wipe this blood off my face fast enough!” said the guy. The gf tells him, “it’s ok, just tell the guy you were eating a jelly sandwich and didn’t have time to wipe your face.” So the guy goes and opens the door to sign the package from the mailman but notices the mailman staring at him awkwardly. “Oh this red stuff around my mouth is from my jelly sandwich, sorry about that.” says the guy. The mailman, slightly confused, says “Ohhhh… so is that peanut butter on your forehead?”
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One weighs upwards of 1800 pounds, the other is a little lighter.
My brother went to his AA meeting drunk, then he tripped down the stairs.
He's been having lots of trouble with the steps lately.
Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?
You shouldn’t take medicine on an empty stomach.
What’s the difference between necrophilia and a choking fetish?
15 seconds, give or take.
I got a pet newt, and I named him Tiny
Because he's my newt
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler
The internet connection at my farm is really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn.
Now I have stable wifi.
I can’t believe how many people don’t understand erectile dysfunction.
I mean, it's not hard.
My girlfriend was born without her little toe and the sight of her foot makes me physically ill.
My therapist said I'm lack toes intolerant.
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
I fell in the mud. Wanna hear a clean one? I took a shower.
There’s an air base in Massachusetts. I’ve flown above it a few times
Over Andover again
Where do spiders get their drugs?
The deep web
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me to masturbate in the cup.
I said: "Well I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete yet."
