A pirate goes to a doctor, worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them.
"It's ok," he says. "They're benign."
The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"
I tripped over my wife’s bra….
…It seemed to be a booby trap.
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in
Me: Thanks for reminding me
Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Wife and I got a flat tire driving back from the farmer’s market
I should have bought asparagus
Dear Microsoft:
If you had called your search engine Bang instead of Bing, you'd have destroyed Google. What would you rather say? "I just Googled Rihanna"or "I just Banged Rihanna."
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind it's tearable.
My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it is flat.
In the end, he came around.
Therapists only care about one thing
And it’s fu*king discussing
Guys, to be Frank…
…. I would have to change my name.
Coding in binary takes a lot of effort.
You have to do it bit by bit.
I ordered rabbit stew at a pub the other day…
The server drops the rabbit stew off at my table and starts walking away. I call him back and say, "There's a hare in my stew."
When I was a kid, I thought I had a Chinese friend,
but it was just my imagine Asian.
Every morning on my way to work, the same bike comes and tries to run me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I’ve been playing Tetris a lot lately.
It was a bit difficult at first but now everything's falling into place.
My friend started making art out of marijuana…
It’s pretty dope
High grades
The son comes to his father: "Dad, I got a 7.5 on my test" "Congratulations son! In which test?" "Breathalyzer. And they kept your car…"
What is a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear Sir/Ma'am, We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons: Illegal Downloading
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic Attacks
And now it’s stuck in my head
You are the dancing queen, young and sweet, now in quarantine You can dance, you can jive, but you can’t go outside See that girl, watch that scene, but only through a screen
Pen and paper is a great way to write stuff down, but I prefer using a whiteboard.
They’re just so remarkable…
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish…
The results speak for themselves…
A priest, a nun, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says, "I think I'm a Type-O"
My wife is really mad at the fact i have no sence of direction,
So i packed up my stuff and right
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her…
I said, “Nah, it’s probably womb temperature.”
I asked my North Korean friend how it was going over there.
He says he can't complain.
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexic association.
Someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick!
..I had no idea anyone could stoop so low!
What do you call a hen that counts her eggs?
A mathemachicken.
My son’s math teacher called him average…
I just think he’s mean.
How are your grades son?
Son: They’re underwater Dad: How are they underwater Son: They’re below C level