A police officer pulls over an elderly couple
He walks up to the driver's side window and asks the husband for his license and registration.
The wife, hard of hearing, asks "what?! What did he say to you?"
The husband replies "he wants my license!"
The officer asks him if he knew how fast he was going.
The wife yells "what?! What did he say to you?"
The husband yells back "he says I was speeding!"
As the officer looks at the license he notices they're from Ohio "you know, I used to live in Ohio. Worst place ever. I was seeing this woman there, and it was just miserable. She would never shut up, couldn't cook worth shit, constantly belittled me, and the sex was just awful."
The old lady once again yells "what?! What did he say to you?"
The husband yells back "he said you two used to date!"
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
My blind friend made me a nice greeting card in Braille.
It was touching.
If you feel the Bern you should vote for Bernie Sanders
That way you can get a doctor to take a look at it
Daughter’s vibrator
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. He replied…………"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
A man dies, and wakes up on a beach…
There are girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him. "Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl. He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole. The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan. "Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented… What's that about?" "Oh," Satan says, "that´s for the Christians, they want it that way."
What Thog say to man
Thog don’t care
My wife got mad just because I hoovered up her contact lenses
Well, I guess she was wearing them at the time.
PETA is like a box of chocolates
They kill dogs
The soviet union was doomed to fail
The red flags were everywhere.
People often ask why I’m so good at Dad jokes and it’s simple.
I take an ordinarily terrible pun and take it even father.
My friend complained to me that her new Saab 9-5 was having engine problems.
I told her I didn’t want to hear her Saab story.
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
As a Pink Floyd fan, nothing makes me angrier than seeing a vegan eating pudding.
Because how can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?
Ye Ol’Chemist had a lab,
ene-yne-ene-yne-one
My dad (67) just sent this to me. It’s literally a dad joke. Some of us might not get it though I’m sure.
What does the Pink Panther say when he knocked over an ant hill? Dead ant… dead ant… dead ant dead ant dead ant… dead ant dead ant….
I think Helium hates my jokes.
He doesn’t react to any of them.
eBay is so useless.
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 93,934 matches.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
Who was the first plagiarist?
Moses. He could control sea.
My sewing instructor just told me that I’m the worst student she has ever seen.
Shit. Wrong thread.
I’m only putting a picture of me in my locket.
This proves I'm independent.
House Fire
When I was a kid, my favourite thing ever was tractors. It was my first word, my first toy, I had posters of them on my bedroom walls and I loved to draw them too. Unfortunately with age I don’t quite have the same amount of passion nowadays. This all became relevant recently as there was this house fire on my street last week. My instincts told me to enter the house to save the family inside as the Fire Service hadn’t arrived yet. I was able to break down a door and actually clear all of the smoke from the house saving everyone inside. I escorted them out to be greeted by the Fireman who had just arrived. Puzzled, they asked how on earth I was able to clear all the smoke. I simply replied “I’m an extractor fan”.
What is blue and doesn’t weigh much?
Light blue.
Spoiler alert:
It makes the trunk of the car look better
“Officer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?”
Cop: it’s a …..moving violation.
I got lead poisoning from a Dr. Pepper knock-off
I guess I shouldn’t drink Mr. Pb again
Say “Rise up lights” out loud.
Congratulations, you can now say razor blades in Australian.
