A policeman stoped me today and asked for my license.
He said: “It says here that you should be wearing glasses."
I said: “Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
What’s an optimistic vampires favorite drink
B positive
It’s 1 in the morning and a drunk bar patron decides it’s time to go home.
He gets up off his barstool and immediately faceplants. “Oh, holy crap. I’m drunker than I thought!” He pulls himself up with the barstool, lets go, and faceplants again. “Shit!” He crawls to the front door. He tries pulling himself up with the door knob and door frame. Once again, he lets go and drops straight to the ground. “This is bullshit. I didn’t even have that much to drink!” When he finally crawls to the sidewalk, he grabs hold of a light pole. Again, he pulls himself up, lets go, and immediately collapses. “Shit, this is going to be a long crawl home!” It’s a long, grueling trek, but he finally makes it home. By the time he reaches his front steps, the sky is a light pink and blue and birds are beginning to chirp. As he reaches for the doorknob, it twists and the door swings wide open. He looks up to see his ever-so-livid wife glaring down at him. “Honey, I can explain! I just had too much to drink, and…” “Yeah, I know. The bar called. You left your wheelchair there again.”
Why did the Monkey fall out of the tree?
it was dead
What do we want? Race car noises. When do we want them?
NYYYYOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW
To the guy who invented zero:
Thanks for nothing!
Asked My Date To Meet Me At The Gym, But She Never Showed Up…
Guess the two of us aren’t going to work out
TIL: If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
How do you cut a Pizza?
With little Caesars (Seezors)
Some people have difficulties sleeping.
But I can do it with my eyes closed.
Where do suicide bombers go when they die?
Everywhere
Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, and go to Hell.
Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesnt the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.' The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough andturns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?' Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.' The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men. The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?' They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.'
Pizza clerk: We have a special today – buy one pizza, get the second one free
Dad: Then we'll just have the second one !
Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls.
Sadly, I was in the women’s bathroom.
13% 18-29 voter turnout in California. Vote for your future. BTW not American. (OC)
https://ift.tt/3coY4eO
I woke up this morning and found that someone has dumped a bunch of celery on my front porch.
I think I’m being stalked.
A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli…
He was pulled in by a strong currant.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s how I roll
How do you turn a pussy into an asshole?
Give it a badge and a gun
Lawyer joke from my 8 year old
What do you call a crappy lawyer? An a-turd-ney
Went to the store to get eight cans of sprite…
When I got home, I realized I’d only picked seven up.
The more suicidal people there are
The less suicidal people there are
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they? George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge! (silence) Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
To spell “panda” all you need is..
.. p and a.
“Hey kids, it’s Jamaican hairstyle day at work tomorrow!”
I'm dreading it…
I was in the park today when a woman came up to me and said, “Are you taking photos of my daughter on your iPhone?”
“Yes I’m taking photos of her,” I replied, “But it’s not what you think.” “So what is it then?” she asked. I said, “Its a OnePlus.”
I can’t believe the NASA/SpaceX Astronauts…
Don't you think they are taking "Social Distancing" a bit too seriously?
Why did it take Russia so long to invade Germany?
They were Stalin.
What happens when an egg laughs?
It cracks up!
The first French Fries weren’t actually cooked in France
They were cooked in Greece
A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks “How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?”
"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc? We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."
The government denied tax exemption for my church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp
It was a real slap in the faith
I just ate 4 cans of alphabet soup
I’m in for an intense vowel movement later
My wife just called me and said, “Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!”
I replied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."
I got a letter from the President today! I knew exactly which quote to pair it with.
https://ift.tt/2QNcAUD
![The real effect of UV-light on parties [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/11/9sfpuipr5vy11-400x225.png)
