A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”
The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”
“We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”
So after 24 hours, I called it a day!
Your probably dyslexic.
It’s all in the delivery
She worked knights.
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
He’s also going to see Stan Lee next week!
Me: Thanks babe. You Mrs. Right!
Went to a club with the wife and there was a guy on the dance floor going mental – twerking, breakdancing, spinning, moonwalking, back flips, the whole lot . My wife turned to me and said, “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”
I said, "By the looks of it, he’s still fucking celebrating!”
It's called "wedding cake."
No text found
I was sad until she told me "Don't worry I'm just kidding, nothing could be father from the truth."
Don’t worry, she’s in stable condition.
The blacksmith returns to the forge as a cowboy walks into the shop and picks one up only to put it back down immediately. "Hot ain't they?" the blacksmith asks. The cowboy replies, "Nope. It just don't take me too long to look at horseshoes."
New Hampshire Primary Voters: Show us proof you voted yesterday, and we’ll give you a cool flair! :)
Continuation of this thread, which focuses on the Iowa Caucuses.We are planning on expanding the flair program to primary voters in all 50 states. If you have any ideas for perks or extras we can throw in, please let us know via modmail. Right now, only New Hampshire voters can submit flair requests.Iowa caucus goers are also encouraged to use the same form to submit their late request. Later states will be given the chance to submit their requests once their primaries or caucuses have occurred.NEW HAMPSHIRE VOTERS: CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FLAIR IF YOU VOTED!Simply provide evidence of your participation (any ‘I Voted’ sticker or other supplemental documents are allowed), and we’ll add a user flair similar to my account to your account.Special Discord Channel AccessVerified voters will also get special access to our exclusive Voter Only Discord channel. To gain access to this, include your Discord account ID in your above submission, and we’ll add you to this channel.Have a good day!
One hoots but can’t shit, and one shoots but can’t hit
Because it's not stroganoff.
That’s how a Bill becomes a Law.
He counted: “Uno…” “Dos…” And disappeared without a trace.
Wife calls her mother in-law and asks her “If your baby puked and pooped, who should it clean it up?” Mother in-law yells “the mother!”
Wife – "Then come clean up your drunk son!"
We really kicked the shit out of that guy.
That priest is in prison now.
They're going to start calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive
Best trade ever.
Quick, everyone get out, this is NOT a drill!
You gottta know when to hold 'em.
I donated sperm and all I got was a weird look from the Salvation Army Santa.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
Baa dum hiss
At least that’s the word on the street.
The cold shoulder
The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!" The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One…"
when Ed glanced over and noticed that Ted’s penis was twisted like a corkscrew. “Blimey,” Ed said. “I’ve never seen one like that before.” “Like what?” Ted said. “All twisted like a pigs tail,” Ed said. “Well what’s yours like?” Ted said. “Well straight like normal,” Ed said. “I thought mine was normal `til I saw yours,” Ted said. Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shake down prior to putting it back in his pants. “What did you do that for?” Ted said. “Shaking off the excess drops,” Ed said. “Like normal.” “Shit,” Ted said. “And all these years I’ve been wringing it!”
And my legs grew weak at the knees, my heart fluttered, and the butterflies started in my stomach. I knew, in that moment, I'd roofied the wrong glass…
Eventually she came around.