A pregnant woman falls into a deep coma
Months later she wakes up, and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: Don't worry, they're just fine. You had twins, a boy and a girl, and your brother named them for you.
Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name them?
Doctor: Well, the girl is called Denise.
Woman: Oh, that's not too bad! What about the boy?
When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise! The official laughed and let the old man through. The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from coming home. The official laughed and let him through. When he arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust. Grandson: Who is that? Old man: Who is that? Who is that?! Don't say "Who is that?" say "What is that?" That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!
That you read the first bit wrong.
Therapist: Why? Me: Screams
Unless you Count Dracula.
How should I know. It’s not like I have 2020 vision.
No man wants a blowjob from a woman with shaky teeth
Dad: "You're holding a shot gun now."
Just another good thing ruined by a period.
I decided to let the kid sleep
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way. Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a…
😀 Because it puts a D right next to a colon.
…is only one sea away from Ireland?
My wife asked me whether I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school, and I said Yes.
Unfortunately I was part of the control group.
Now he's in pane.
Because she will just let it go.
But apparently all it does is change the color of the baby
and ordered a drink. “Its a pleasure to serve you, Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender. “Just call me Hoff,” the actor replied. “Sure,” the bartender said, “no hassle.”
I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
But when I do it’s usually an ankle
When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket. Now, I didn't buy it and he certainly didn't buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre and went to the jewellers.
The first girl says, ‘My boyfriend can fit a whole fist up there.’ The second girl says, ‘Ha, my boyfriend can fit two fists and a foot.’ The third girl just smiles as she slides down the bar stool.
Because freedom rings
A neigh sayer.
Then it would be a foot.
If it were served warm it would be justwater
I told him it’s easy as pi