A priest, a minister, and a rabbi (not a rabbit) want to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.
Did you know that if you get really close to a lighter flame…
…it smells like burnt nose hair?
Hey officer, how did the hackers escape ?
I don't know, they just ransomware.
How do tree nuts usually end their prayers?
They said "Almond."
Pete is fluent in bs
Netanyahu has been charged…
I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal.
pop pop pop pop pop pop pop Nev er Gon na Giv ve You Up, Nev er Gon na Let You Dow, n pop pop pop pop pop pop pop
Phone bad. Son stupid. (By webdonuts on Instagram)
Saw a comment in a politics thread. Turned it into a shirt
“Un, deux, trois, quatre”, radioed the French ship…
…before it cinq. "Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence. "Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres. "One," radioed the British ship before it went two. "Won," radioed the American sub.
Level of madlad: 100
Waiting for Boss Review
When a mouse is stronger than everything else in your life
Just don’t lie
Me and the boys on minecraft
A summary of Trump’s coronavirus briefings
haha wwiii guys
Not sure if meme but yeah.
Found my first wild one.
The endosymbiotic theory in a nut shell
I’m sure Joe Biden will flip those red states
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture…
But when I got home, the tables were turned…
Make sure to install the “make a wish” app first son!
What’s the best way to overcome depression?
Love it, so it leaves you as well.
Why did Republicans fabricate the war on Christmas?
Title says, “All hail Zuckerberg”. One of my WhatsApp groups.
The joker was better in metric
It’s my wife’s birthday in a couple of days and when I asked her what she wanted she said she’d be happy with anything with lots of diamonds in it…
She’s going to love this pack of playing cards I’ve bought her…
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence .
Why is the KKK against triathlons?
They don't believe in the mixing of races.
My penis was in the Guiness Book of World Records.
Until the police came and removed me from the library.
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?” [NSFW]
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
who tf is charlie kikrk anyway
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
“Yes, we arson.”
Work from home
What do you call a fart joke that’s been pushed to far?
A shitty joke.
There are boomer in me_irl
From a friend
The KGB, the FBI and the Cia are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals.
The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it. The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out.
I just came to that realization.
I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.
Why are so many plants transgendered?
Because plants have less stygma to stamen.
When I first saw an universal remote control…
I thought to myself: "Well… This changes everything"
The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain again today?”
She replied, “Yes, it is and don’t call me Shirley!” I guess I left my phone in Airplane mode again…
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
Back in my day…
People who rob jewelry stores and banks are pretty bad.
But people who rob bakeries really take the cake.
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll…
Sad but true
Ahaha funny butt hahah
Broadsheet newspapers need to stop
all countries will get the corona virus eventually…
China just got it right off the bat
Why did China get invaded?
They weren't ready to face the Khansequences.
Hillary should come out and say “Iran if you’re listening….”
Dutch Boomer Humor
Oh the horror!
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage…
when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he is rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
Help please :D
Can you help me with a project answering this poll with your age? https://ift.tt/2veVDKO – 12 to 17 https://ift.tt/2SwdhSb – 18 to 24 https://ift.tt/2UBOOxu – 25 to 34 https://ift.tt/2SwdiWf – 35+
The floors on this elevator in Ireland are properly indexed.
Imagine Convincing Someone From The Past That These Are Actual Headlines From 2019
How Google Chrome Uses RAM
I just found out i’m colourblind
The diagnosis came out of the purple
What is the only fruit you can sit on?
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler…
Well said Tiffany
Haha my parents dont respect my opinions
Being a field reporter is a tough gig right now
With the amount of his cronies locked up it seems like he’d let the lock up chant die.
Hahahaha haha ha ha ;_;
Japanese foods have such weird names.
They always claim to be yaki but are actually pretty yummy.
it happens to me often
What do you do if a turkey starts chasing you during a snow storm?
You run away. Turns out you can't just stop cold turkey.
What do you call a person with one arm and no legs ?
By their name. Don’t be a dick.
Arguing with my wife is like reading a software license agreement
In the end, I ignore it all and click "I agree".
I’ve recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm currently working knights.