A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar…
The rabbit says, “I think I might be a typo.”
A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam’s nationality.
A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam's nationality. The Frenchman said, "Of course Adam was French. Look how passionately he made love to Eve!" The Englishman said, "Of course Adam was British. Look how he gave his only apple to the lady, like a real gentleman." The Russian said, "Of course Adam only could be Russian. Who else, possessing nothing but a sole apple, and walking with a naked ass, still believed he was in a paradise?"
Isaac Newton: *slaps roof of car*
Car roof: slaps Isaac Newton
Which side of a cheetah has the most spots?
The outside!
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday
I guess I wasn't putting in enough shifts
Every time I ask someone what the acronym LGBTQ stands for…
I can never get a straight answer.
They say there is a 50/50 chance to have a female on the opposite side of the gloryhole
Right now I really hope that is a woman's penis
People think that the word ‘queue’ is just ‘Q’ followed by 4 silent letters
But those letters aren't silent, they're just waiting their turn
I just bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
What disinfectant do geologists use?
Clo-rocks
Why shouldn’t you ever fight a dinosaur?
Because you’ll get Jurass kicked..
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne"
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
My girlfriend changed when she became a vegetarian
Its like I had never seen herbivore
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn’t spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
3 men arrive at the pearly gates and they see Peter. Peter says we don’t have much space in heaven so we’re taking in people who experienced the worst death
First guy go. “I was walking down the hall of my 27th floor apartment building and I suspected my wife was cheating on me. I rushed through the door shouting where is he!? I looked everywhere while my wife was trying to tell me no one is here. Then I found him. Hanging off the ledge my balcony. I started stomping his hands until he fell. He survived by landing in the bushes but I picked up our fridge and threw it down on top of him and it killed him. Due to all the excitement I had a heart attack and died.” Peter was interested, second guy go. “I was doing pull-ups off the ledge of my 28th floor balcony when I slipped and by some miracle caught the balcony below me and hanged on. I was about to scream for help when a crazed man started stomping on my hands and I ended up falling into the bushes below. I once again survived only to find that now a fridge was about to land on me. It was too late to move so I died.” Peter was shocked but wanted to hear the thirds story. Third guy go. “I was having sex with another mans wife when we heard he was almost home. He was getting closer to the door and his wife said “Quick hide in the fridge!”
My wife and I had no idea what happiness meant until we had kids.
But by then, it was too late.
This morning I was beat up by a woman in an elevator.
I was staring at her tits, and she said, "Could you please press one." So I did.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna 1 Anna 2
My 8 year old cousin: ” Why did the chicken cross the road?”
8yo cousin: To get to the idiot's house. Me (patronizingly): Oh..uh..yeah good one haha. 8yo cousin: Wanna hear another one? Knock knock Me: Who's there 8yo: The chicken.
My wife said I should take out the spider instead of killing it.
I'm glad I did. We went out. Had a few drinks. Overall good guy. He's a web designer.
When does a joke become a “dad joke”?
When it becomes apparent
Why do Japanese christians offer rice wine to jesus?
For christ’s sake
My boss told me as a security guard, it was my job to watch the office
I'm on season six, I don't know what it has to do with security though.
My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding.
She was absolutely furious and said she’s never going to play scrabble with me ever again
A man was walking his dog through a graveyard when he saw a man kneeling behind a headstone.
‘Morning’ the walker shouted. ‘No, just having a shit’ the man replied.
How do you find a blind man on a nude beach?
It's not hard
What keeps the ocean from leaking out?
The seals.
My friends and I tried to bypass the quarantine laws by dressing up as crows and hanging out together on top of a telephone wire
Unfortunately, someone called the police on us and we got arrested for attempted murder.
When my dentist reminded me about my wife’s sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed about it for a while…
Then I remembered… Me and my wife have different dentists…
A German traveling to Poland stops at a Polish Border Security Point.
Polish Border Control Officer: "Nationality?" German: "German" Polish Boder Control Officer: "Occupation?" German: "No, just visiting"