A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank…
The rabbit says, “I think I might be type o.”
I just bought a border collie.
The one I already had wasn't bored enough.
I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs we dig, they dig.
It’s not a very long poem, but it’s pretty deep.
Why Are Murders So Hard To Solve In The U.S. Deep South?
All the DNA is the same and there are no dental records…
My wife and I are both feminist
But, as a man, I'm just a bit better at it.
One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.
The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. The cowboy said, “I’m not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I’d feed him.” So the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon. The cowboy answered slowly, “Well, I’m not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn’t feed him all the hay…”
A lady comes home from her doctor’s
A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."
The creator of Star Trek was renowned for emptying his bowels in obscure places.
He would boldly go where no man had gone before.
We got pulled over and the cop wanted to know if my dad knew why. “With all due respect sir,” my dad replied…
"If you forgot, I'm not going to remind you."
My wife tried to embarrass me in front of her friends….
She said I wasn't any good in bed. She was shocked when they all disagreed with her!
Why do walruses swim in salt water?
Because if they swam in peppered water they’d sneeze all the time.
Oedipus joke
Oedipus: Oracle, what’s going to happen to me? Oracle: you’re going to kill your father and marry joe. Oedipus: whose Joe?
We should use Hillary Clinton’s emails to build a wall
Because a lot of people can't seem to get over it.
I was explaining to my son how a baton is used in relay races, and he understood right away.
I gotta hand it to him.
My wife caught me pissing in the kitchen sink, and got really mad at me. “You fucking prick, that’s so inappropriate!” she screamed. “Well, so is washing the baby in there, but I don’t angry at you about that!” I shouted back.
I think she realised she'd lost the argument, because she didn't even reply. She just lifted the baby out of the sink and went upstairs…
What has 3 arms and 4 legs?
My son's shitty drawing of a snake
I ordered a thesaurus from Amazon but when it was delivered all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Son: “Dad, I fell in love and want to date this girl”
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
What do you call calculators with knives attached?
Texas Instruments of Torture.
Not all math puns are bad…
Just sum…
I was watching porn with my wife and she complained, “This is so unrealistic.”
I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.” “Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”
Telltale games is closing down.
'No matter what choices were made the outcome was going to be the same' said a spokesman
We don’t sell to blondes
A blonde walks past a shop as she reads the sign “we don’t sell to blondes” in the window. She goes in to her investigate the situation. To test the sign she asks the salesman “excuse me, I’d like to buy this TV” And the salesman responds “I’m sorry ma’am we don’t sell to blondes” Shocked the woman leaves and returns later in the day now having changed her hair colour to brunette. Once again she asks the salesman “excuse me, I’d like to buy this TV” To which she is met with the same response “I’m sorry ma’am we don’t sell to blondes” She begins to get irritated and heads out to get a new outfit- returning the next day in different clothes, with ginger hair, and a new haircut. She then proceeds to ask the salesman “excuse me, I’d like to buy this TV” To which he responds “sorry ma’am we don’t sell to blondes” Now she is FURIOUS and heads out to plan the perfect deception. She once again changes her hair colour to black, gets a new haircut, changes her outfit, and even gets plastic surgery to look completely different in an attempt to buy from this shop. She returns having looked nothing like she did the previous days and once again asks the salesman “excuse me, I’d like to buy this TV” To which he once again responds “sorry ma’am we don’t sell to blondes” She lashes out screaming at the man “HOW ON EARTH DO YOU KNOW I’M A BLONDE I LOOK NOTHING LIKE I DID WHEN I FIRST CAME IN HERE” “Because that’s a microwave” he says.
My moms response time for a slap in the face used to be 1ms
and it hertz alot.
I farted while putting the baby to sleep, and it startled her and woke her up.
She got a second wind.
Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Safety. Remember that safety always comes first.
Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.
Fuck me I'm easily lead
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes…
"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
A bear walks into a bar.
He says to the bartender, "I'll have a………………beer." The bartender responds, "What's with the big pause?" The bear holds up his arms and says, "Always had 'em."
Man: I’ve been shot!
Random dad: How can I help you? Man: Call me an ambulance! Random dad: You're an ambulance