A priest, a monk, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank
The rabbit says, "I'm a type O."
What do you call a crocodile that is a detective?
An investi-gator
A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine…
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
A saw a man with the hood on his coat jumping up and down
A saw a man with the hood on his coat jumping up and down. People were going crazy, throwing money at it. I asked him if he makes a living like that, he said, "Yes, it's my livelihood."
Why don’t they let you wear glasses in football?
Because it's a contact sport.
Iโm sick of my wife blowing everything out of proportion.
Sheโs single handedly ruining my balloon animal business.
The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven
St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is. The Pope: "I am the pope." St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book." The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth." St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me …" The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church …" St. Peter: "The Catholic church … Never heard of it … Wait, I'll check with the boss." St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God. St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth." God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of … Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus) Jesus: "Yes Dad, what's up?" God and St. Peter explain the situation. Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow." Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing. Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"
Sorry for this …
Neil arms weak. Neil joins gym. Neil does chin-ups. Neil Armstrong 2. William making fruit shake. William took pears. William put them in glass. William Shakespeare 3. Jimmy goes to restaurant. Jimmy sits down. Jimmy gets food. Jimmy Choo 4. Tony makes movie. Tony works hard. Tony earns fans. Tony Star k 5. Alan feels happy. Alan runs hard. Alan falls in gutter. Alan Reekman (Rickman) 6. Usain s*** scared. Usain screams. Usain close doors. Usain Bolt.
Five friends were sitting around, debating which Pixar movie is the greatest.
After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of their choice, and whoever received the most karma for it would win. Adam, already undecided himself, decided to go to /r/AskReddit. He laid out the agreement, and asked that everyone vote one their favorite movie, and the one with the most votes he would use for the his friends. Unfortunately, as the votes were split in that sub, his highest post amounted to a mere 38 points. Paul, a big proponent for the Toy Story franchise, posted to /r/nostalgia in the hopes that everyone who grew up with Toy Story would agree. Unfortunately, as there had been three sequels (with a forth on the way) it wasn't exactly considered "nostalgia" and he got downvoted into oblivion. Bill, who loved Monsters Inc., made his case using some trickery. Going to /r/news, he found a seemingly unrelated post, and made a top-level comment describing, in great detail, why Monsters Inc. was the greatest film of all time. The fact that the post was so out of context made everyone flock to it, and drew enough attention to new him over a thousand fake internet points. Mike, who loved the Incredibles movies, decided to stay in his wheelhouse. Over the course of several hours, he created each of the family members from the Incredibles in Soulcaliber VI. Finally, he photoshopped the family together, and posted it to /r/gaming. Under normal circumstances this would have skyrocketed to the top, but the format was stale, and thus only received 20k karma. Still, Mike was confident in his victory. While the other four friends came up with plans on how to maximize their karma gains, Chris sat silently. For hours he sat, making no posts, coming up with no original content. Finally, an hour before the deadline, he broke into his neighbor's house, stealing his copy of the Pixar movie "Up". He took a picture of his theft and posted it directly to /r/Jokes with the title "STOLEN". When the group got together the next day to see who got the most votes, everyone was in awe. Chris's post had over 40,000 points. "How did you know that would win?" "Easy," Chris replied. "Everyone knows stolen content on /r/Jokes gets all the Up votes."
The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
No text found
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bale
My dentist removed the wrong tooth.
It was accidental.
Today I learnt that humans eat more bananas than monkeys
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey
What do you call a kinky dinosaur?
A Doyouhaveasoreass
9 out of 10 dermatologists agree that towels…
…are the leading cause of dry skin.
Why do pirates love Reddit?
It's the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
Given the Cheeto Banditoโs track record with dictators, this should be a no brainer
https://ift.tt/2Xcz6dp
A man tried putting ten jokes in a newspaper competition to win a car
But no pun-in-ten-did
I ordered a Chicken and an Egg from Amazon
I'll let you know
I got thrown out of DisneyWorld for spreading my dead motherโs remains around the park. It was her dying wish.
The security guards said I probably should have cremated her first.
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
but none of them seem to work.
A guy sits on a plane and realizes heโs sitting beside The Pope.
Heโs too intimidated to say anything but after awhile The Pope taps him on the shoulder and says, โExcuse me my son, but Iโm doing a crossword puzzle and Iโm stuck. The clue is โa 4 letter word that you can call a womanโ and it ends with U-N-T.โ The man sits for a minute, stumped until he exclaims, โAha! I got it!! Itโs aunt. A-U-N-T!โ The Pope smiles and claps his hands. โWonderful!! That must be it!! Thank you! One more thing my son, would you happen to have an eraser?โ
So a doctor starts up a practice and decides to challenge himself, so he puts out a sign: “I’ll cure any sickness for only $100. If I can’t, I’ll pay you $500!”
A lawyer sees the sign out front and decides this would be some easy fast cash so he goes in to see the doctor. "Doctor I cant taste anything!" Doctor says "nurse go grab vial 43!", she brings it and he puts two drops on the lawyer's tongue. The lawyer quickly spits it out and says "UGH that's gasoline!" Doc gets his $100. Lawyer comes back the next day to try again, and claims he has lost his memory. Doc says "No problem, nurse bring me vial 43!" Lawyer says "But that's the gasoline!!". Doc happily takes his $100, and lawyer walks out quite frustrated. Finally on the third day the lawyer thinks he has the solution. Goes in and tells the Doc he has lost his sight. Doc ponders a second and finally let's out a sigh. He begrudgingly walks the lawyer out to the cash register and hands him five $1 bills. Lawyer says, "Hey wait that's only $5!" Doc smiles and says "That'll be $100."
โYouโre 1 joule per second, Harry!โ
โIโm a Watt?โ
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my sonโs train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Our country is about to switch from imperial to metric units.
There will be mass confusion.
Why did the can crusher quit his job ?
Because it was soda pressing
How easy is it to get Reddit karma?
Repost a popular joke from yesterday, Itโs a piece of cake.