A priest, a nun, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says, "I think I'm a Type-O"
I found out why nurses carry red crayons
In case they have to draw blood.
Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye
Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit
Did you know you can get paid for sleeping?
It’s a dream job
An Englishman, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer.
The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded: "Yes" "Oui" "Sì" "Ja"
When I caught my neighbor attaching a rocket engine to a deer, I immediately reported him to the authorities.
Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck.
My wife just left me
because of my insecurities. Wait, she's back. Just went out to pick the mail.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in to a bar…
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence
I got a grandmother in her 90’s and she still doesn’t need glasses
she just drinks straight out of the bottle.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I’m ashamed I never thought of it
True story: today at work, I was getting ready to discharge a patient from the recovery room after surgery, and I asked “how do you feel?” Without hesitation he replied “with my fingers” and the old guy in the next bay chuckled and yelled “good one!”
According to my doctor it should be ok for me to ignore social distancing on Saturdays and Sundays.
He said I have a weekend immune system.
I had a hen who could count her own eggs.
She was a mathemachicken.
I told my son people keep accidentally pleading for me to purchase meat for them. He asked, “By mistake?”
I shouted, “Oh come on! Not you too!”
What’s the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?
Oranges have thick skin. Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one!
What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea
My boss stormed over and yelled, “What the heck are you doing? Put some backbone into it!”
I hate working at the McDonald's factory…
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary…
Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too…
If you’re surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide
Imagine how surprised he must have been.
My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in August!” I said, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers…
It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she still won’t say where she got them…
Have I discovered the only boomer comic that doesn’t shame millennials/zoomers?
https://ift.tt/2u1Pst7
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime-mates
How does a train eat?
Chew Chew
First time I went to an art museum, I was shocked that I couldn’t swipe the paintings…
https://ift.tt/2xVb5gR
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said “It’s going to rain”. His wife asked “how do you know?”
"Because rudolph the red knows rain, dear"
What’s the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn't beat cancer
My dad’s boomer friend just posted this. Wife bad. Must kill. Then maybe grill.
https://ift.tt/2KJT4VX
There’s a new reality show where flat-earthers are trying to find the edge of the world…
They’ll be so disappointed when the finale is not a cliffhanger…
911 what’s your emergency?
"Hello yes my Wife is going into labour!" "Is this her first child?" "No this is her husband"
As an American, I see a lot of jokes here saying that America is the dumbest country.
It's ridiculous and unfair. Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country.
Why does 10 have PTSD
Because he was in the middle of 9 11
I walked by a store with a sign that said “Television $1- volume stuck on full”
I thought to myself “I can’t turn that down!”
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing… They fast!
I know alot of jokes about unemployed people.
but none of them work.
How do astronauts say sorry?
They apollo-gise
I really hate One Direction fans.
Oscillating ones cool the room much better.
Matthew McConaughey’s Lincoln can’t turn left
It just goes all-right all-right all-right
