A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “ I must be a typo.”
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The Pope walks into a Mosque.
The Imam says “Why the wrong faith?”
I made brownies for the office, some have laxatives, some have weed.
You know, for shits and giggles.
Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut.
The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
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I saw my son scratching his knee
I asked him if he had a 123. Confused, he looked at me and asked what I meant. I stared back and said, you have an ichi ni san.
The janitor of my apartment building asked if I wanted to smoke some weed with her
I told her no. I can't stand high maintenance women.
Why can’t the chameleon change colors?
Because he has an ereptile dysfunction.
My wife just told me she has the body of a teenager.
I guess she found out about me and the babysitter.
What does Alexander the Great have in common with Winnie the Pooh?
Same middle name.
To the guy who stole my antidepressants…
I hope you're happy now
I may have gone overboard helping my 7th grade daughter with her science project video.
https://youtu.be/22ekP1YaHVg
How do you check the weight of a Red Hot Chilli Pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. “What are you doing?” she asked him. “I’m going to have a bake sale to buy a car,” he answered. “Where on earth did you get that idea? We’re in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!” He said…
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son’s house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?!", she asked. "I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work", the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress", the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress", she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me". The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered sensually. "Needs ironing"…
My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I’m paid to travel.
My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I'm a bus driver.
I was at the hospital and I walked into a surgeon’s office
“Can I help you?” He asked. “I keep thinking that I’m a moth.” I replied. “You probably want a Psychiatrist for that.” “Yeah, I know.” He looked confused. “Then why are you here?” “The light was on.”
My wife’s favorite song is “Ain’t No Sunshine” by Bill Withers and she reminds of this every single time it’s on the radio…
I reply, "I know, I know, I know, I know, I know…"
What does a turtle do on their birthday?
They shellabrate
I told my Asian parents that I am Asexual
They were disappointed that I wasn't A+sexual.
A brother asks his sister to marry him…
She replies, "if you incest".
I’ve gone bald, but kept my comb…
I just can’t part with it
A man with 12 kids visits his Dr., asking for advice on how to prevent future pregnancies…
“Have you tried condoms?” Asks the Dr. “I did, and it resulted in 3 kids!” said the man. “Have you tried birth control?” “I did! And it resulted in another 3 kids!” “Have you tried IUD (intrauterine implants)?” “I did! And it resulted in 3 kids!” Confounded, the Dr. says bluntly, “well, have you tried not sleeping with your wife?” “I did! And it STILL resulted in 3 kids!!”
Why do guys always give their jacket to girls when they’re cold?
Because no one wants a blowjob from a girl when her teeth are chattering.
The world ended when I kissed an alpaca.
It was the alpaca-lips.
My teacher says I’m pretty good at addition but I’m terrible at subtraction.
I don't get the difference.
Wife: I haven’t seen you use the bathroom all week
Me: No shit. I'm constipated.
A man walks into a bar
So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano. So the guy asks the bartender, “Where’d he come from?” And the bartender’s, like, “There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes.” So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, “Your wish is my command.” So the guy’s, like, “O.K., I wish for world peace.” And there’s this big cloud of smoke—and then the room fills up with geese. So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, “Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing.” And the bartender’s, like, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?” Edit: So apparently there was a joke like this a month ago and I didn't notice, this wasn't a repost.
Where do cyclops’ party?
Eyebiza.
My friends keep telling me I’m on the autism spectrum…
…I can never tell if they’re joking or not.
A woman goes to see her therapist…
The therapist kindly greets the woman. "What brings you here today?" "I am absolutely terrified of random letters." says the woman. The therapist had never heard of such a phobia before. "You are?" The woman begins to scream. "Oh, I see…" The woman screams even louder.