A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “ I must be a typo.”
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They only had a pair of trunks!
My existence is ignored except for when they need something.
It was about a weak back
Translation:Alexa: ‘Helga, bring Klaus a beer”Most algorithms are programmed by men’https://ift.tt/2H2F8UH
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Pay him for the pizza.
I dont know how you sleep at night
Thankfully it was just a virus.
I made up the first part of the phrase so it would not hurt me that much.
He had locomotives
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey… a deal's a deal.
The bartender asks, "Why the long preface?"
When they collided. The old guy says to the young guy. “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.” The young guy says, “That’s okay. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a bit anxious.” The old guy says, “Well maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, “She is 28 years-old, tall, with brown hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?” The old guy says, “Doesn't matter, let’s look for yours.”
His cones don’t work.
I’ll beheading there soon.
Imagine all the people
So a woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet led the dog out but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but like I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably …dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!" The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, what did you expect?"
We lived on an old farm, no animals just fields. My uncle goes off to a market and comes back with this filthy ass horse. Says it's bred from some old bloke's prize stallion. Auntie loves it for some reason, coz it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty". She was a bit weird like that. I, being a countryside kid, liked horses and riding them. Then they turned on me saying "If we ever catch you riding our fucking horse then we will beat the living shit out of you". They meant it, they'd done it before. Few days later, I'm messing in the fields with some old tractor tire I found. Dirty is just eating grass and shit next to me. Auntie and uncle come out every few minutes to make sure I'm not riding the horse. Get bored and climb inside the tire. Tire starts moving (field wasn't flat). Can't stop. Auntie and uncle come outside to check on me. They see me rollin' They hatin' Patrolling Trying to catch me ridin’ Dirty.
The banana nana boo boo
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds…
Me: I can't believe this is happening. Wife (sobbing): How will we tell our son? Me: … I'll tell him. [Later at home, sitting down with son] Me: Bad news kid, your knees are failing.
They're always getting laid.
Worst postcard ever.
We all know who’s making that decision
Seriously! Who starts a conversation like that?
it's too far to walk back.
Now it’s just some bunny I used to know.
So I put my foot down
I’m so glad it was a soft drink
You need professional kelp