A Priest and a Cowboy are walking in the desert
They come across a flock of geese so the cowboy pulls out his two guns and empties them in the direction of the geese.
"Fuck, I missed!"
"Do not use that word, child, for God will smythe thy"
They walk on and come across yet another flock of geese. Same thing.
"Fuck, I missed"
"Do not use that word, child, for God will smythe thy"
Same thing happens a third time.
Suddenly the Heavens open up and a lightning bolt strikes the priest down. An omnipresent voice, trembling with conviction says:
"Fuck, I missed"
3 unwritten rules of life:
1. 2. 3.
There’s no such thing as Scottish people.
Either your name is Scott or it isn’t.
What’s the difference between a Trump voter and a polar bear?
One is a fat, white, mindless killing machine with no conscience or future, and the other is a bear.
I took a class about origami and gambling
They told me “you gotta know how to hold em, and how to fold em.” 🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️ Dad out.
Dieting is really easy
As long as you're poor
There’s no way video games cause violence.
If they did, school shootings would involve a LOT more tea bagging.
Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English
Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English in three weeks. After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more English by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to football practice and my daughter to dance class. I've recently started going to the pub and drink pints of Carling and every Friday I have fish&chips. My favourite football team is Manchester United. Beat that!" The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country, you fucking paki cunt."
I was scheduled to teach a course in Origami, but then decided to give up.
Too much paperwork.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger
Then it hit me
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs? Me: I can't look up anything
A sexual predator, a racist and a Russian spy walk into a bar.
The bartender says "What can I get you Mr. President?"
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
but none of them seem to work.
My girlfriend is cheating on me with a doctor.
Yesterday, I found out my girlfriend is cheating on me with the primary doctor at her hospital. So from now on, I’ll be giving her an apple for lunch everyday. That oughta do the trick.
WAITER: are you ready to order?
DAD: I’ll have the rabbit stew WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after I bring it … DAD: I’ll have the chicken
Who has two thumbs and loves Peter Pan?
Not Captain Hook.
What follows two eyes?
Captain.
A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England.
She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink! The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina' ?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."
On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed…
someone had written the word “penis” in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldn’t find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class. Tuesday, she was again greeted with “penis” on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day’s lesson. Every morning for the rest of the week, “penis” was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she’d had enough. “That’s enough,” she sputtered. “I — I can’t believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!” On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: “Don’t you know — the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?”
My therapist just told me that I have serious trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
What kind of pants do the Mario bros wear?
denim denim denim
What do you call a psychic dwarf who has escaped from prison?
a small medium at large
Why did the hipster drown
He went ice skating on the pond before it was cool.
Smoking will kill you …
Bacon will kill you… But, smoking bacon will cure it.
I have a confession to make, I was addicted to soap.
But I’m clean now.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows on too high.
She looked surprised.
A guy is golfing by himself and shanks a ball hard.
He yells, "Goddamn it all to hell!" St. Peter hears him and asks God, "Aren't you going to do anything about that?" God says, "Yep." Next hole is a long par five over water ending in a dog leg. The guy tees up and crushes the ball. It hits the water but just as it does, a turtle surfaces. The ball bounces off the turtle's shell and gets another hundred yards. Just as its about to stop rolling, a squirrel runs over and grabs the ball before being immediately snatched by a gorgeous red tail hawk. The hawk flies him off and just over the green the squirrel drops the ball. The ball hits the green, rolls and falls in the hole. Most amazing par five hole-in-one in history. St. Peter, astonished says, "You call that punishment?" God replies, "Yep. There was nobody around to see it."
What’s the difference between Keanu and a bakery thief?
Keanu is breathtaking, the other one is breadtaking.
I was having a good day until I stopped to pet a duck in the park….
Now I'm feeling a little down.
I Googled “how to start a wildfire”.
I got 48,500 matches.
This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.”.
I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.
Wife offered me water, I asked for something harder
She gave me ice
“Mom, I’m dating a man.”
"Whom, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
