A priest has a heart attack…
A priest has a heart attack and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being wheeled through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.
"Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.
"No," says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".
I’m not exactly sure, but their flag is a big plus.
Then they call me ugly, and poor.
"Quick, everyone!" the man shouts. "Big Frank is coming!" A panic ensues. Chairs are thrown as people try desperately to be the first to leave. One mother just drops her baby on the floor, picks up her skirts, and runs. Several people are badly injured, but eventually the young lad is the only one left. He decides to stay. If he beats this so-called Big Frank, he'll be a hero. After waiting for a solid hour, he finally hears a horse's hooves on the ground outside. Soon, the largest man he has ever seen is squeezing through the door. He has an enormous moustache and a smell that almost makes the young lad throw up. "Gimme a whiskey!" bellows the man. Trembling, the lad pours the man a drink. He knocks it back in one gulp. "Gimme another!" The lad ends up giving the man nine drinks, after which the man still looks totally sober. "Another!" he yells. "You– You have to pay for the drinks you've already had," stutters the lad. The man stares the lad right in the eye. "I'll make you a deal, kid. Let's arm wrestle. If you win, you get everything I own. If I win, I get as many free drinks as I want." "D– Deal," he replies, staring at the man's disgustingly huge muscles. After a long struggle, the lad somehow finds the strength and motivation in him to beat the huge man. They're both in shock, but the big man eventually says, "Alright, kid. All my land and possessions are yours." "Gee, thanks!" says the young lad. I'll be a legend when I tell everyone about this! he thinks. The man says, "Here's your money. I should get going anyway. Aren't you coming?" "No. Why would I?" "Jesus Christ kid, haven't you heard?! Big Frank is coming!!"
Well, it’s finely chopped bits of cabbage and carrots
Me: No, I think they need to stay on the wall.
I’m just in it for kicks.
…but I'm slowly getting over them.
Wife: How? Lawyer: I’m not sure, but he has 2000 DVDs of the movie for some reason.
March fourth! (I told this to my coworkers and none of them appreciated my sense of humor)
A wide supremacist.
Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.
But I can't speak for everyone.
… I guess you can call me Dav now."
It’s usually the other way around.
Another day, another Dawn.
Captain Hook bought his hook from a second hand store.
You drop him a line.
No text found
"Keep the tip."
Threw the blue shell in Mario Kart while I was already in first place to remember what it's like to get hit from behind.
Nothing scares me
It's based on achoo story.
It's not stroganoff.
Leave me the fuck cologne.
Her: It’s really difficult to live with him. He is so literal. Me: My truck.
I wish I could post this in another subreddit.
Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest when he suddenly came across a fairy. The fairy says: "Oh noble knight, you're the first human being to find me in 300 years. So as a reward, I'll grant you three wishes." The knight takes some time to think, he already has a castle, money and a beautiful wive. Then he says: "Make me invulnerable, so I can never lose any battle." The fairy snaps her fingers, and it is done. Then the knight says, "Make my horse invulnerable too, so we both can fearlessly charge into enemy lines." The fairy snaps her fingers again, and it is done. The knight needs some time to think again, because he already has everything he could need. After a while, he says, "Make my genitals as big as my horse's." The fairy snaps her fingers again, and it is done. Proud and excited he leaves the forest and rides back to his castle, where he finds his squire. The knight hands his sword to the squire and orders him to behead his horse. At first, the squire refuses, saying "I cannot kill your horse, it is the best horse you have ever had, my Lord." When the knight urges him to, the squire swings the sword with all his might and hits the horse on the neck. Nothing happens. "Now hit me", the knight orders and takes off his armor. The squire refuses again, scared, but the knight orders him to. So he hits the knight with the sword on the chest, but again, nothing happens. The squire cannot believe his eyes as all of his attacks have no effect on either horse or knight. "And now take a look at this", the knight proclaims and takes off his pants. Says the squire: "Wow, that's the biggest pussy I've ever seen!" Edit: it's "snaps", not "snips"… TIL 😀
…but I am 22 to say it
It's the first time they'll see 2020
You could view the cross on the cover of the Holy Bible as a big time spoiler….
Two windmills are standing in a field. Wanting to pass the time in conversation one turns to the other and asks “What kind of music do you like?”
The second turns and says: "I am a big metal fan."
Those who understand Binary and those who don't.
It was an ether/oar situation.
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.