A priest is walking to his church when he passes a group of prostitutes.
One of them yells out “$20 for a blowjob, Father!” The priest puts his head down and speed walks the rest of the way. When he arrives at the church he nervously approaches one of the nuns and asks her “Sister, what’s a blowjob?” She tells him “$20, Same as downtown”
When people think of calculators they think the buttons are the most important thing
But it's what's inside that counts
I recently asked out a blind woman
But she told me she's already seeing someone.

From a physicist: ICP is actually right about magnets
/r/juggalo/comments/g1e3nx/from_a_physicist_icp_is_actually_right_about/
Why was the baker’s assistant fired?
He was loafing around.
A bullet says he quit his job
He was actually fired
A farmer accidentally overcooked his, one of a kind, psychic cow
He now has a rare medium well done
Started reading a book in brail
Something terrible is about to happen I can feel it
why was the electrician in the hood?
coz switches be trippin,
I told my psychiatrist that I’ve been hearing voices.
He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!”
What a weird way to start a conversation
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them
What do you call a butchers conference
A meating
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A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee.
The man take a sip and spits it out. He turns to the waiter and says, "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the man and says, "But sir, it's fresh ground!"
My interviewer asked if I could preform under pressure.
I said no, but I can do a good Bohemian Rhapsody
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
A ba-na-na-naaaa.
I’m frightened of elevators
I’m taking steps to avoid them now
What do you call it when a pirate pees on people?
Arrrrrrrgh Kelly
Dark humor is like food
Not everyone gets it
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people,
but none of them work
I always knock on the front door of my fridge …
Just in case there is a salad dressing . This was horrible lol
A sheepdog tells the farmer he’s going to round up the sheep and comes back with 50 sheep and the farmer says “We only have 48 sheep.”
The dog replies "I said I was going to round them up,"
What do Jeffrey Epstein and Halloween decorations having common?
They don’t hang themselves. Happy Halloween
Teenage daughter asked “When is that new Elton John movie coming out?”
I replied "I think it's gonna be a long, long time"
The other day I drank a new kind of tea that is made by steeping a book in hot water.
Probably won't have it again. It was just a novelty
What do cannibals drink in the morning?
A cup of Joe.
Why did the sculpter evacuate his house?
He had a mold problem
FREDDIE MERCURY APPEARS BEFORE BEFORE BRYAN MAY IN A PUFF OF SMOKE
STARTLED, BRYAN GASPS ,, "FREDDIE, I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD?" TO WHICH FREDDIE REPLIES "I WAS BUT I WAS BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE BY A VOODOO PRIEST" "VOODOO?", BRYAN ASKS,"WHATS VOODOO?" "WELL BRYAN", FREDDY SAYS, "ITS A KIND OF MAGIC!"
What do you call a ghosts their parents?
Transparents
My Dad says I hammer like lightning!
I never strike in the same place twice.
I stubbed my toe against a gold bar
Au Au Au
To the person who stole my glasses
I will find you. I have contacts.