A programmer was leaving the house and his wife said “While you’re out, get some milk”
He never returned and the world ran out of milk.
My girlfriend asked me when I last had sex with someone that wasn’t her…
“Back in 02” I said, Sounds much better than February.
Jeff, a semi colon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar.
They both have a good time.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks
Today I was awakened with oral sex
.It is dangerous to sleep with your mouth open on the subway.
People who rob jewelry stores and banks are pretty bad.
But people who rob bakeries really take the cake.
My Computer is a lot like a Chargers game
They both only have two fans
Engineer and Anti-vaxxer come to the bridge
Anti-vaxxer says to the engineer: Is it safe to cross the bridge? Engineer: It is 99,97% safe to cross that bridge. Anti-vaxxer: I'd rather swim.
![[Legit] found this gem on the bookface](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/i8kmpqdiv9o11-400x442.jpg)
When I want to comment on an interesting thread but it got locked for some reason
When I want to comment on an interesting thread but it got locked for some reason
They ask me if it’s pronounced “NEE-a-list” or “NIGH-a-list.”
I tell them it doesn't really matter.
My inflatable dock burst after my friends kept telling me to fill it with more air.
Too much pier pressure.
A car
Therapist: So what brought you two here? Wife: I just hate how he takes things so literally? Therapist: What about you? Husband: A car.
Never smoking weed with Mexicans again
I asked who has papers and they all took off running
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
I need a special pair of spectacles to read legal documents…
Contract lenses.
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked: “Honey, if I died would you get married again?”
Husband: "No sweetie." Wife:"I'm sure you would." Husband: "Okay, I would" Wife: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" Husband: "Ya, I guess so." Wife: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" Husband: "No, she's left handed."
Where did the terminator find toilet paper?
Aisle B, back!
Bought a dog from a blacksmith and as soon as I got it home…
…it made a bolt for the door.
If you stand by the sea…
…it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
Talking to god
So this man is talking to God and he says: “God, is it true that a million years is like a second to you?” Then God says: “Yes. A million years is like a second to me.” Then the man says: “So if a million years is like a second to you, is it true that a million dollars is like a penny for you?” Then God said: “Yes. A million dollars is like a penny to me.” So the man says: “God, can I please have a penny?” Then God says: “Yeah just give me a second.”
What do you call a fake turd?
A shampoo
What’s the difference between a boner and a bonus?
Your wife will never refuse an opportunity to blow your bonus.
I used to steal Mitch Hedberg’s jokes
I still do, but I used to too
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket…
You can hide but you can't run.
Me: “I’m going to clone myself”
Dad: "that would be just like you".
One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp.
He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp. Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss." So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appeared in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account. For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and Porsche appeared. At the same time two of each car appeared outside of his boss' house. Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully," and to this the man replied, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney…"
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle…
It was an ether/oar situation…
I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players…
The servers are currently down…
Teenage boy: “Dad, what’s a vagina look like?”
Father: "Well son, before sex it's a delicate little thing. Almost like a tulip that hasn't fully bloomed". Boy: "What about after sex?" Father: "You ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
Dolphins don’t have accidents.
They do everything on porpoise.
Square Enix, Ubisoft, EA and Valve are all in class.
They're all taking a quiz. The teacher tells them that'll have 60 minutes to complete the quiz and that they'll be graded immediately. An hour later, the teacher collects their test sheets and begins grading. Square Enix answered every question correctly, even the extra credit essay question. Ubisoft answered every question, but the answers were all incorrect. Ubisoft explained that they planned to fix the answers later after the test was graded. EA, answered the first question correctly, but the rest of the test sheet was blank. EA then demanded a dollar for each answer after the first, but couldn't guarantee it would be the correct answer. And Valve put their pen down after answering the 2nd question.
I thought my TV broke…
I was watching a documentary about how polar bears’ hands and feet have adapted to the snow when all of a sudden my TV froze. It’s okay though, it was just on paws.
I applied for a job cleaning mirrors.
I can really see myself doing that.
A large group of ISIS fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: “One Marine is better than ten ISIS fighters.”
The ISIS commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Marine is better than one hundred ISIS fighters. Furious, the ISIS commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The voice calls out again: "One Marine is better than a thousand ISIS fighters." The enraged ISIS commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible fight is fought … then silence. Eventually, one badly wounded ISIS fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men … it's a trap. There's two of them."
