A pun
What animal can jump higher than a mountain?
All of them, mountains can't jump.
Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year’s resolution was.
She said "Fuck you". So I'm pretty excited for 2019.
Who was the first plagiarist?
Moses. He could control sea.
I made a website for orphans
There’s no home page
Do not accept a FB friend request from Hormel Foods…
It could be Spam.
Why doesn’t anybody in Antarctica have covid?
Because they are ice-o-lating
Dad: I’m giving all your toys to the orphanage
Kid: Why are you doing that? Dad: So you don't get bored there.
A man with a dog walks into a bar.
He walks over to his seat and says, "I can bet $100 to each of you that my dog can talk!" Everybody agrees to the bet. The guy says, "Spot, speak!" The dog is silent. "Spot, speak," the guy repeats. The dog still doesn't react. Fuming, the guy begrudgingly pays each of the bettors the agreed upon sum and leaves the bar. Outside, the guy says to the dog, "You set me up, you stupid mutt! Do you even know how much cash I lost because of you?" "Nonsense," says his dog. "Just imagine how much money we'll raise tomorrow from these suckers!"
My friend is a gay midget, who finally decided it was time to tell his parents
I was so proud of him for coming out of the cabinet!
A group of engineering students and their teacher were given free airplane tickets to go on a holiday
Once on the plane, the captain announced that they were on the plane the students had built. Everyone freaked and rushed out of the plane, except for the teacher who stayed there with calm. When the flight attendant asked why he hadn't left, he responded " I know the abilities of my students. This shit won't even start".
When I ever get to be a dad, I wanna start early.
If I would get to be the dad of a son, I'd name him Jason so on the moment of his birth I can get up and shout: "Jesus Christ, it's Jason, born!"
Scientists definitively confirmed today that anteaters are incapable of contracting coronavirus.
This is because they're filled with anty bodies.
I asked my wife if I’m the only one she had ever slept with.
She said “Yes…. all the other guys were nines or tens”
Pilot, copilot joke.
Pilot and copilot are getting ready to land. The pilot says, "I've heard this airport runway is pretty short so I may call for some extra flaps. The copilot acknowledges. They break through the clouds and see the runway. The pilot says to the copilot, "yeah, that's a pretty short runway. Give me quarter flaps. Copilot adds quarter flaps. They get closer. The pilot says, "Damn, this runway's is pretty short. Give me half flaps. Copilot looking a bit nervous gives him half flaps. The pilot now is getting pretty nervous, "crap that's a short runway, give me three quarter flaps!" The copilot starting to sweat gives me three quarter flaps. They're about to touch down. The pilot yells, "holy crap this is a short runway! Give me full flaps!" The copilot panicking gives him full flaps. They touch down apply full brakes and reversers and somehow manage to stop the plane. After they come to a halt, the pilot wipes his brow and says, "damn! That was the shortest runway I've ever landed on!" The copilot looks around and says, "yeah, but sure is wide".
A sheepdog tells the farmer he’s going to round up the sheep and comes back with 50 sheep and the farmer says “We only have 48 sheep.”
The dog replies "I said I was going to round them up,"
Why don’t blind people go skydiving?
It scares the hell out of the dog.
(P+L)(A+N) = PA+PN+LA+LN
Ha! I just foiled your plan!
My local barber was arrested for selling drugs! I was his customer for years!
Never knew he was a barber
