A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, “Giraffe, don’t smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!”
The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.
The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.
Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.
This sheep is about to shoot up heroin.
The rabbit says to the sheep, "Mr Sheep, don't do heroin! Heroin is a drug and drugs are bad for you! Come running with us through the forest!"
The sheep looks at the heroin, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the heroin.
The sheep tossed his needle aside and they go running through the forest together.
Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.
Soon they come to a clearing and in this clearing is a tiger.
Now, this tiger is about to drink a can of beer.
The rabbit looks at the tiger and says, "Mr Tiger, don't drink beer! Alcohol is a drug and drugs are bad for you! Come running with us through the forest!"
The tiger looks at his beer, looks at the rabbit and back his beer.
He takes a claw and cracks open the beer and proceeds to carefully place it down beside him.
He gets up and walks over to the rabbit, lifts up a paw and starts mauling the shit out of the rabbit!
The giraffe and sheep are in shock.
And they scream, "Dude, what the fuck!? He was just trying to help you!"
The tiger turns to them and growls, "Every time that fucking rabbit does cocaine, I end up running through the fucking forest!"
My wife wants to leave me. She says I care more about gambling than I do her or our daughter.
She’s obviously wrong. Why else am I refusing to leave the casino until I win my daughter’s college tuition money back?
Two antennas on a roof fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn’t much..
But the reception was incredible!
(NSFW) Coronavirus porn is going viral on PornHub..
What a bunch of sick fucks
Please be kind to Jussie Smollett guys…
You know he's really beating himself up right now.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.
It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
Why are 1 and 3 jealous of 2?
Because it’s Tuesday.
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medicare.
I once had a conversation with a dolphin.
We just clicked.
A gay couple, Jeremiah and Timothy, was feeling hot n bothered on a plane and so decided to join the mile high club…
"What if we had sex?" asks Jeremiah. "Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it…" "Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!" Jeremiah stands up and asks loudly: "Could I have a napkin, please?" Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. Flight attendants pretend to not hear them, as they also don't give a damn. "They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Timothy. So Jeremiah and Timothy have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth. "Sir, you should've asked for a bag!" "I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a napkin and he got fucked in the ass.
The seminar “How To Avoid Frauds” is cancelled…
Tickets are non-refundable…
Why are reposts always upvoted more than original jokes?
You need to tell it to a redditor multiple times for them to get it.
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records..
..until the police came and removed me from the library.
An employee was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here and my Secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" “Certainly,” said the employee. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button. “Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”
I’m not wearing glasses anymore.
I’ve seen enough.
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins….
….I was about to run straight home to tell the wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden in the first place.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I’d choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
Yesterday I Spotted an Albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do for the guy.
My son is a male trapped in a female’s body, so we took him to a psychiatrist.
For some reason, the doc kicked us out when we told him our son was due in in 3 months.
At an interview they asked where I saw myself in five years
I answered: “Well, I think my greatest weakness is my poor listening skills.”
A Mexican magician was performing on stage
He tells the audience he is going to disappear on the count of three, "Uno" "Dos" And then he vanished, and disappeared without a tres
5YO: “Dad, I’m hungry AND DON’T SAY HI HUNGRY I’M DAD”
Me: "wow … that's a very long name, hungryAndDon'tSayHiHungryI'mDad"
What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?
Bombi. EDIT: Wow this blew up
Did you know? The wheel was invented in 3,500 BC.
It caused quite the revolution back then.
Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?
So they can see the front lines
No Nut November was pretty tough
Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had masturbation to keep my mind off of the sweet little bastards.
How to tell the gender of ANY animal
SIMPLE – Just give it some food! If she eats the food, then it's a girl. But if he eats the food, then it's a boy.
The cemetery looks overcrowded
People must be dying to get there.
What do you call it when a snowman loses his temper?
A meltdown. (Told to me by a grandpa earlier today.)