I must not have Reddit right.
But it’s definitely up there.
Because it scares the shit out of their dogs.
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I'm not joking, but he is.
I guess we'll know when the time comes.
I guess he just has a self defecating sense of humor.
Because if they swam in peppered water they’d sneeze all the time.
She just bought me a $500,000 life insurance policy and a free all-inclusive trip to the Dominican Republic!
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A rip off.
They get toad.
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne"
It sounds so foreign.
He stays up at night wondering if there really is a dog.
"What the hell is testiculating?" the man asks. Looking both irritated and impatient, his wife responds, "It's when a man is talking bollocks!" The man considers this for a moment. "Tell me something," he finally says. "Are you on your period?" "Yes," his wife answers. "Why?" The man nods. "I thought so. You're ovaryacting."
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He got hammered
I recently overheard two chess enthusiasts in a hotel lobby. They were bragging about their previous victories
They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
And they’ll all be open from 11 to 3 daily
Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.
Because he dodged the draft.
You should have seen the look on her face as i drove pasta.
A boy and his father are walking through the woods. The boys asks, "Father do trees poop?" The father looks at the boy and says "Of course, that's where #2 pencils come from."
Her father became mad and said "No butter for you" Later, the girl killed a honeybee, her father again became mad and said "No honey for you" The girl later killed a cockroach. Her father said "Nice try, this is Alabama" (Sorry, English is not my first language)
Dad: No whey
When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven. Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder… "Want to make a bet while we wait?" The Gambler asks. "If I can guess your last words in three tries, you have to let me cut ahead of you." The old man, having nothing better to do, agrees. Immediately, the gambler begins "reading" him like the pro player he is. He notices the elderly Asian man's shirt is open, exposing a pair of defibrillator marks. "Don't be silly, it's just indigestion." the gambler remarks. The old man looks a bit surprised, then steps aside, giving up his place in line. Next, the gambler taps on a redneck's shoulder. He makes the same bet, and the redneck also accepts. "This one's easy!" the gambler smirks, sizing up the bruised, bloody, grass stained redneck with the caved in skull. "Hold my beer!" Muttering profanities, the redneck begrudgingly steps aside and gives up his place in line. Riding the high of a hot streak, the gambler wastes no time tapping the next man ahead of him on the shoulder. He quickly makes the same bet, and is ecstatic when the agreement is made. "Okay, let's see…" The gambler studies the new mark carefully. He's a large, imposing black man riddled with several bullet holes. The gambler holds his hand out like a gun. "You ain't taking me alive!" The man shakes his head. Wrong. The gambler strokes his chin. The guy is giving him nothing else to work with. The gambler holds the 'gun' sideways, makes a mean face, and shouts, "Fuck the police!" Wrong again. The gambler's getting frustrated, now. He's never been unable to read someone before. Finally, the gambler throws his hands in the air. "I'VE GOT NOTHING!" He shouts. "I GIVE UP!" The man steps aside.
“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”
“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”
I'd have $6.30 right now
Sometimes it's hungry, sometimes it's tired, sometimes it's angry. Please help.
Because its iceolated
It ended in a draw.