A recent study found out how much sleep a normal teenager needs.
Just five more minutes.
Roses are red,
My screen is blue, I think I deleted system32.
Something a climate denier told me
I dont know if this goes here but I think you all would find it funny.I was talking to a cousin about climate change (he claims its a hoax and that it is happening, but says not because of humans, in the same conversation). He said something that I just cant understand he said”if a fact CANNOT be disputed than it is not a fact.”Last time I checked facts where facts because they could not be disputed.
Yesterday I went for a walk with a beautiful girl
When she noticed me, we went for a run
After being single for years, I finally found the perfect match online.
It produces a greenish flame and it looks really cool while I'm lighting up my cigarette.
Where does a lumberjack buy his axes?
At the “Chopping Maul.”
What do you call a dad joke when it gets old?
A grandpa joke
What did the person who got hit by lightning twice say about it?
Since it was so rare to be hit even once, he (or she, since I don't want people to get offended) was quite shocked about it all.
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
I went on a gluten free diet because I was experiencing constant headaches.
And it actually worked. Clearly my-grains were the issue here.
“Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud?”
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
If you lock up your girlfriend and dog in the trunk of a car for an hour…
which one is gonna be happy to see you when you open it up?
I want to die in my sleep like my grandpa
Not screaming like the passengers in the car.
Three old spinsters die and go to heaven and at the Pearly Gates, they are met by St Peter. He says: “Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be.”
The first spinster says: “I want to be Sophia Loren.” With a bang, she’s gone. The second says: “I want to be Madonna.” She also disappears immediately. The third says: “I want to be Sara Pipalini.” St Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says. “Sara Pipalini,” replies the old spinster. St Peter shakes his head and says: “I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.” The old woman then takes a newspaper out of her purse and hands it to St Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says: “No, my dear woman, the paper says it was the ‘Sahara Pipeline’ that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.”
Got a new job at the guillotine factory.
I'll beheading there shortly.
Did you know the first French fries where not made in France?
They where made in grease.
What body of water do tees like to swim in?
The Golf of Mexico
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
Why do Japanese christians offer rice wine to jesus?
For christ’s sake
Does anybody know if we can take showers yet?
Or should I just keep washing my hands?
This joke is about ghosts. You wanna hear it?
That's the spirit.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
My Friend Told Me He Identifies As A Broadcasting Radio Station
I told him “You can’t be Sirius”
What’s Santa’s race?
North Polish
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up
*slaps knee*
https://ift.tt/2OxfOLC
Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!
Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad. I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything. Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. In the end the iron straightened me out as she said everything will be fine, no situation is too pressing. The vacuum was very unsympathetic… told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and hoped it would all soon blow over! The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and didn’t say anything but the door knob told me to get a grip. The front door said I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to ……..yes, you guessed it …..pull myself together
John F Kennedy was just “John Kennedy” From May 29, 1917 To November 21, 1963
They only added the F after he died
I haven’t worked in over a year.
Don't tell my boss I said that.
Don’t buy anything with Velcro
It’s a total rip-off
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, 'Take as long as you like.' That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.