A Reddit user, a Reddit user, and a Reddit user walk into a bar.
The first one orders a coke. Five minutes later the second one orders a coke and the whole bar starts cheering, another five minutes later the third one orders a coke and the whole city erupts in thunderous applause.
The past present and future got into an argument while camping.
http://bit.ly/2BE6vBp
What do you call a hippies’ wife?
Mississippi
I asked my friend the baker what is the key to being successful in the business and making good bread…
/r/Jokes/comments/fxvl3o/i_asked_my_friend_the_baker_what_is_the_key_to/
My 67 y/o quiet and shy dad wanted me to share his masterpiece across North America
https://ift.tt/39n5Cfp
I recently swapped all the labels on my wife’s spice rack, she hasn’t noticed yet
But the thyme is cumin.
Why did the girl fall in the well?
She didn't see that well.
Made this a bit ago during a chem lab. Thought you guys would appreciate it :D
https://ift.tt/2AwRSmp
My girlfriend told me to stop singing “I’m a Believer”.
At first, I thought she was joking. But then I saw her face…
I’ve been having to use lettuce as TP since the Covid craziness
The worst part is the news says this is just the tip of the iceberg and what I need to use as TP tomorrow romaines to be seen. Stay safe kids, Dad
In Canada, you are more likely to die of a moose kick than of a terrorist attack.
Those damn mooselimbs.
I want a divorce…
I told The the judge. “All my wife does every night is go out bar after bar” “What is she doing” the judge replied “Looking for me”
Frank is cracking dad jokes even after death.
Son: what's in that fancy beer mug on the mantel? Me: Well that's your uncle frank. That's where he wanted his remains. It was his favorite beer Stein. He always said it would be funny. Never got why. Son: Maybe it's so he could be frank in stein? Me: That SON OF A BITCH
If a blind girl says you have a big penis
She's probably pulling your leg
I found out today my toaster isn’t waterproof.
I was shocked.
Gandhi
Did you know that Gandhi used to have hot young women sleep naked in his bed with him? The idea was that he could conquer his baser desires and prove his self-control by abstaining from sex with them. I tried a similar thing by leaving half a box of Double Stuff Oreos on my counter, and I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m pretty sure Gandhi banged every single one of those chicks.
I’m not sure why my heating bill is so high?
If you’d like to come over to offer me any advice my door is always open
I just read the “100 things to do before you die” list….
I’m surprised that 'Call 911' didn’t make the cut.
What tea do rich people buy?
Property
Nothing worse than a T section twice the size of the rest of the wiki
Nothing worse than a T section twice the size of the rest of the wiki
My dad told me this one.
"All this LGBTQ shit is getting out of control. It wasn't like this when I was a little girl."
The girl with the big booty and a lisp wasn’t at work
She must have called in thick
What does Alexander the Great have in common with Winnie the Pooh?
Same middle name.
You haven’t tried the delicious Bacon-Liver-Anchovy sandwich?
You're missing gout.
My mom was telling dadjokes
He laughed
If Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight..
There would be mass confusion.
I once thanked a French man to death…
I guess you could call it a merci killing!
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He pasta way
Accordion to a recent study, 90% of people didn’t realize
I put an instrument at the start of this sentence.
“I made a pencil with two erasers.”
"It was pointless."
An officer and a lawyer were having a discussion in court.
Lawyer: "A woman shot her husband because he stepped on her freshly mopped floor." Officer: "That is correct." Lawyer: "Officer, can you explain why it took you 20 minutes to arrest the woman once you got there?" Officer: "The floor was still wet."