A repost AND an unnecessary caption?!
Im trying to explain my sexuality to my dad.
Me : "Okay, so I would identify as a bisexual." Dad : "And that means you would have a male partner." Me : "Yeah." Dad : "Or a female partner." Me : "Yeah." Dad : "So… That means if you don't find a partner, you're on standbi?" ME : ME : ME : ME : "Son of a b…"
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Trying to write some clean jokes about bowling balls
but they keep ending up in the gutter.
What was Frosty doing in the Vegetable Aisle?
Picking his nose!
How warm is a baby just before their birth?
Womb temperature
If anyone on Facebook posts “He has risen”
Remind them to use the [spoiler] tag. Some of us haven’t read the book.
I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 Seconds’ DVD.
It was here a minute ago.
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous…
… I see a lot of new faces tonight, which is disappointing.
Joke
You could view the cross on the cover of the Holy Bible as a big time spoiler….
My five year old: Dad, do trees poop?
Me: Of course. That’s how we get Number 2 pencils.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center……
You’ve seen the mall.
I have a rare condition that prevents me from putting on foundation, mascara, eyeliner, etc.
No really, you can’t make this up.
By your excuses combined, I have zero responsibility! Total authority is mine!
https://ift.tt/2VKNxUV
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
Its not hard
A flat-earther’s greatest fear is…
Sphere itself.
DJT: We need free speech on college campuses. For conservatives. Who won’t boo me.
https://ift.tt/2K2Mtps
3 guys end up at the pearly gates…
St. Peter asks the first guy if/how many times he had cheated on his wife. He answers twice. St. Peter says, “Shame on you,” and hands him the keys to a Honda Civic. The second guy gets asked the same question and he responds once. St. Peter says, “Shame on you,” and hands him the keys to a Harley Davidson. The third guy gets asked the same question as the first two people and responds never. St. Peter says, “Good job staying faithful,” and hands him the keys to a Rolls Royce. A little while later while riding the streets of Heaven the first guy in the Honda Civic rolls by the third guy in the Rolls Royce. The first guy notices the third guy crying and asks, “Why are you crying, you are enjoying your after life in a Rolls Royce, while I am stuck in a Honda Civic.” The third guy responds, “I am crying because I saw my wife, she was on a skateboard.”
If your house doesn’t have house numbers on it,
you need to address that situation.
Recently broke my thumb, I asked the nurse if I’d be able to play the piano?
She said I would I said that’s good I couldn’t play it before.
I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick
He was a very poorly executed character
I often wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder”…
Came up with any other phrases. Edit: Thank you for the silver
My friends caught me listening to an audiobook of the digits of pi…
and I never heard the end of it…
Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city..
Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.
I saw an onion ring.
So I answered it.
If I had $5 for every woman that found me unattractive
Pretty soon they'd all find me attractive
My neighbor shingled my roof for free
He said it was on the house
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.
What country doesn’t take cash or credit?
The Czech Republic
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.