A robber enters a bank and points a gun at the teller
Robber: Put all the money in the bag or you’re Geography!
Teller: Don’t you mean History?
Robber: Don’t change the subject!
Why is gambling illegal in China
Because they hate Tibet
How to get rich
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
Ban pre shredded cheese.
Make America grate again!
My friends always make fun of me for having an imaginary girlfriend.
Joke's on them, they're imaginary too.
Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2015 we ate over 74 million bananas and only 6 monkeys.
How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
Is infinity odd or even?
Oddly enough, it's even. But even so, it's still an odd concept.
I went to the therapist after my phone died.
I just needed an outlet.
Why did Karen press ctrl + alt + delete?
She wanted to see the task manager.
I have sexdaily
Crap! I mean dyslexia
I work in a kitchen in a local restaurant, today I tried to start a food-fight with the other chef…
I threw some spaghetti her way, but it went right pasta.
I thought it was impossible to get injured while masturbating…
But I think I've pulled it off.
Can’t believe someone broke into my shed and stole my limbo stick
How low can ya go
What do you call a short mexican?
A paragraph, because hes too short to be an esse
Apparently girraffes only sleep 3 hours a day.
They must neckered.
Did you hear about the new type of broom?
It's sweeping the nation
Why do chicken coops have two doors
If they had four they would be chicken sedans
a Country Boy visited the City and met a girl in a Bar who invited him back to her house,
When they got there, she undressed and told him to get naked too. She said: "Let's start with a 69" The Country Boy replied: "What's that?" With that she got him into position, and they went at it Within a minute of starting, the City Girl felt a fart coming on She tried holding it back, but she figured the Country Boy was probably enjoying what she was doing to him and just let it rip Less than a Minute later, she felt another one coming on and since he hadn't said anything, let this one out as well After that, the Country Boy pushed her off, got up, and started getting dressed The City Girl, embarrassed, asked "I guess you didn't like that, huh?" The Country Boy said: "No, it was fine, but I just don't think I could take 67 more of those"
My friend said “What rhymes with orange.”
I said no it doesn't.
The pool on the titanic is still full…
Let that sink in
After my wide died, I couldn’t look at another woman for 18 years
But when i got out of prison, it was totally worth it
If a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears it
It means my illegal logging business is a success
Like a lazy tailor would say…
Suit yourself.
My wife just yelled at me, “You haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said”
I thought that was a pretty odd way to start a conversation
I just invented a new word.
It's called 'plagiarism'.
Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve?
All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me to masturbate in the cup.
I said: "Well I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete yet."
An airplane was about to crash…
There was 4 passengers on board but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said “I am Steph Curry, considered one of NBA’s most prized players. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me and I can’t afford to die” So he took the 1st pack and jumped out of the plane. The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump said, I am much loved and also the smartest president to have ever ruled in America. So my people don’t want me to die. He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane. The 3rd passenger, the pope, said to the 4th passenger a 10yr old schoolboy, “My boy I am old and have lived a long life, you are young and deserve to live yours, I will sacrifice myself and let you take the last parachute!” The young boy replied “That’s ok your Holiness, there’s a parachute left for the both of us, America’s smartest President took my school bag!”
I quit my job as a postman the first day right after they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”