A roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says…
"Five beers please."
Lawyer: "A woman shot her husband because he stepped on her freshly mopped floor." Officer: "That is correct." Lawyer: "Officer, can you explain why it took you 20 minutes to arrest the woman once you got there?" Officer: "The floor was still wet."
It had an ex axis, and a why axis. . Credit to /u/Viewedaskew on /r/jokes
The mime next door went nuts.
You really need a camera
Because I let them cry on my shoulder.
Like, get off your pedal-stools.
I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
Now he’s Aware Wolf!
She is so wrong so I told her to check my history. My last post here says otherwise.
Me- Sure, but why so many people? Dad- The DVD says it is only for 18+ viewers.
It may, Fri 10 you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
All the walls are load-bearing.
Dad: okay, you're an ambulance
Toward the Finnish line
Now it's all over the bottom of the oven…
When I'm so inclined.
“Are you still holding the ladder!?”
Because it’s Tuesday.
Au jus wish.
A guy in the back replies You don’t have enough bullets
His funeral was very low key
Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.
Man: Hello! Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club? Man: Yes. Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it? Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much. Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one that I really liked. Man: How much? Woman: $90,000 Man: OK, but for that price I want it with all options. Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Jane and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on market. They are asking $980,000 for it. Man: Well, then go ahead and offer $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go to the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman: OK. See you later! I love you too much! Man: Bye, I love you too. The man hung up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turned and asked: Anyone knows whose phone is this?
Yep, people are just dying to get in there!
It’s hard finding enough women willing to wear the same outfit.
A dad walks in on his daughter having sex with her boyfriend. The girl, startled, says, “I’m sorry, Dad.”
Dad, to her: Hi Sorry, I’m Dad. Then he turns to the boyfriend and says, “Are you fucking sorry?”
They are afraid that social distancing measures may push people over the edge.
The bartender says "Hey!" Then the horse replies "Sounds good!"