A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says
When you pee on them, they disappear
"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national. "But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!" "No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"
Thankfully it was just a virus.
…we’ve drifted apart.
Give a man a poisoned fish, and you’ll feed him for a lifetime!
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
Me: No shit. I'm constipated.
If it floats it's boy ant
He throws a cigarette off the boat and the boat becomes…a cigarette lighter
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Personally I’m on the fence.
1. 2. 3.
Years ago, I viciously beat up my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were broken.
Come to think of it, that's probably why I felt brave enough to beat him up.
He finished his drink, and asked for his check. Duck billed platypus.
When what I’m listening to is clearly in 4/4
It's the neighborhood watch.
It means a lot.
It trained and trained, and finally went to try out for the koala national soccer team. And wouldn't you know it? It made the team! It was so excited. But the night before it's first big game… POOF! It turned into a giraffe. It got dis-koala-fied.
I went shopping in two different stores today for alcohol and, both times, was asked to remove my sunglasses.
I guess I must've looked shady. [Based on a true story!]
It's on the house
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes
If it isn't 3 holes in the ground…
A man and a woman are sitting side by side at a bar getting really wasted. They both look really depressed.
The man asks the woman why she's so down and she replies, "My husband left me because he said I was too kinky in bed." "What a conicidence" he said. "My wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed too." They start talking and after a few more drinks they decide to go to the woman's apartment for some kinky sex. When they arrive at her apartment she tells him she needs a few minutes so she can slip into something more uncomfortable. She comes out of the bathroom with a tight black leather outfit, holding a whip and handcuffs. Then she hurries into the kitchen and comes out with tabasco sauce, whipped cream and a rolling pin. She notices that the man is putting on his coat and is walking towards the door to leave. "What's going on?" she asks. "I thought you wanted to get kinky?" He turns around and says, "I just fucked your dog and shat in your purse. I'm all done."
No one will be crossing the finish line
Because they're ice-o-lated
and it's fucking discussing.
I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?" She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
Honestly I should have noticed all the red flags
Our babysitter smiled and said, 'Take as long as you like.' That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
You might ask how i find the time It's easy it's right there next to the sage
One of them is left leaning, and the other one is right leaning.