A screenshot of a SCREENSHOT of a boomer meme that arrived in my inbox this morning
An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.
The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing. The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake.” My God,” says his mother. “You can speak?” To which the German boy replies, “Of course.” "How come you've never spoken before?“ asks his father. “Well,” says the boy, “up until now, everything has been satisfactory.”
Why doesn’t Kim Jong Un have a girlfriend?
Because he's too focused on his Korea.
Hey, Flatearther, wanna play basketball?
tosses him a frisbee
I visited the doctor today and he told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home and moved it to a lower shelf.
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password
it’s not stroganoff.
A mentor of mine once told me
that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. Well, I did that and I feel much, much better, but I'm not sure what to do with all these letters.
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow…
My wife is like a newspaper…
there is a new issue every single day.
#644: A woman goes to buy a parrot.
The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks "Why is the last one so cheap?" "Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Dave, haven't seen you for weeks!"
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet ?
Because they lactose
At the end of a soccer game in Japan, the players are starting performing martial arts…
Its what they call Ninjary time.
“Dad, can you do my math homework for me?” “No son, it wouldn’t be right.”
"Well, at least you could try."
Where do I store all of my dad jokes?
In my dad•a•base
You shouldn’t see any horror movie today
It May, Fri 10 you
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago..
and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!
No text found
What do you give a pig with a rash?
Oinkment.
Would anyone be interested in being my companion?
Asking for a friend.
Are you pissed?
Wife: Not necessarily. Me: Ok. So you are pissed but, unnecessarily?
Shoutout to my Grandpa!
Because that's the only way he can hear.
A dad was washing his car with his son.
The son asked why they couldn't just use a sponge.
My uncle once had a 24-hour epileptic episode.
Now that's what I call seizing the day.
Is buttcheeks one word…
or should I spread them apart?
When do astronauts eat?
At launch time
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and possibly use lubricant
Three men were sitting together bragging..
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties The first man had married an Indian girl, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done. The second man had married a Chinese girl. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married an Italian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.
A Frenchman was showing of his yachts to a tourist
Frenchman: "This one is called Un, this one Deux, this one Trois, Quatre, Six, Se–" Tourist: "Hold on, why is there no number 5?" Frenchman: "It Cinq"
I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day.
I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day. He has his hands full – the kid was screaming for candy, cookies… all sorts of things. The dad kept saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, this won’t take long. Just chill out.” He had another outburst in the cereal aisle and his dad just said "Settle down, William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, buddy.” At the checkout, I see him in the next lane over and the kid is throwing items out of the cart. His Dad says again, super-calmly, “William… William, relax! Don’t get upset. We’ll be home in ten minutes. Just stay cool, William.” It was impressive. So, as we're both walking out of the store I turned to him and said “I'm sure it’s none of my business, but you were amazing back there. I don’t know how you kept your composure. I might have snapped if my son was in that kind of mood. William is very lucky to have you as his dad!” And he said “Thanks! But actually, I'm William. This little shit's name is Collin.”
Why do the riot police always arrive early to protests?
Because they like to beat the crowd.
Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are talking. Harry says, “Ron, I’m gay.”
"Are you fucking serious?!" asks Ron. "Yeah…that too," says Harry.
Justice is best served cold
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Wife: honey I’m pregnant, we’re going to have our first kid
Husband, with tears in his eyes: Hi pregnant, I’m dad
I got mugged by 6 dwarves last night…
Not happy !
