A self-aware/deprecating one
We need to uninstall 2020 and then try reinstalling it
The current version has a nasty virus
How do you find put how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?
give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
A gorilla walks into a bar
A gorilla comes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. "You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here." And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
Bussđ©đ©đ©
Bussđ©đ©đ©
Think you know everything about the letter t?
That's just the half of it.
Whats red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint
A Chinese guy and an Englishman walk into a bar.
Over the next hour, the Englishman drinks a lot of alcohol and goes out of control. He begins to scream cuss words and annoy everyone in the bar. Just as the bartender is planning to throw him out, the Chinese guy says, "Hi, sorry for bad English"
What’s brown and not very heavy ?
Light brown
I just had an half hour argument with my 5 year old about the importance of wearing pants in public, and she won.
So today Iâm wearing pants to take her to school.
Just heard about a dwarf who was pickpocketed
How could anyone stoop so low?
Teacher : Why didn’t you come to the school yesterday?
Student : My dad is in the hospital 1 week later.. Teacher : Is your dad still in the hospital? Student : Yes, he is a doctor.
Monday: Greg. Tuesday: Ian: Wednesday: Greg. Thursday: Ian. Friday: Greg
A GregOrIan calendar
Today I saw dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall.
I thought to myself "Now, that's a little condescending".
One day a woman had 100 children…
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
(NSFW) I just heard a joke about Oedipus and Midas
It was Motherfucking Gold.
A good romance starts with a foundation of trust and respect.
A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma gaga ooh la la.
About 1,375 olives are pressed in order to make 1 liter of olive oil, 8,435 sunflower seeds to make a liter of sunflower oil…
Don't even get me started on baby oil
Why can’t Miss Piggy count to 70?
Because when she gets to 69 there's a frog in her throat.
Last night my wife and I watched three movies back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the tv
My last relationship ended because I didnât open the car door for her.
Instead I just swam for the surface.
A man is driving when he notices a new bar has opened up
He decides he could use a drink, so he walks in and takes a seat at the bar. He is greeted by the bartender who promptly asks him what he would like to drink. âIâll take a… Iâll do a Crown and 7-Up,â the man says. The bartender nods his head in acknowledgement, does a quick search under the counter, and produces an apple which he sets in front of his customer. The man is a bit confused and reiterates his order, stating âI asked for a Crown and 7, Iâm not very hungry…â The bartender smirks and tells his patron âSir, that is what I have given you… go ahead and take a bite.â The man bites into the apple, and to his amazement it tastes like 7-Up. âCan I have one of these, but with Crown?â the man asks. The bartender smirks again and tells him to turn the apple around. The man does this and is even more amazed that the apple is an edible mixed drink. A second man walks into the bar, and takes a seat. The bartender greets him, asking what this second customer would like. The man #2 responds with âIâll have a Jack and coke.â Again, the bartender briefly searches beneath the counter and produces an apple which he places in front of man #2. âWhat the fuck is this? I ordered a drink, not a damn apple!â, man #2 says in an irritated manner. The firs customer hears man #2âs dismay, and tells him that he needs to try the apple. Man #2 bites into the apple and smiles once he realizes that the bite he took actually tastes like Jack Daniels. He proceeds to ask for a cola mixer, to which the bartender replies âturn it aroundâ. Man #2âs attitude diminishes, and he sits to enjoy his apple. Shortly after, a third man walks in and takes a seat between man #1 and man #2. Man #3 is confused that 2 men in a bar are eating apples rather than drinking. Heâs so perturbed by this he decides to ask them both, âwhy the hell are both of you sitting here eating apples instead of enjoying a few drinks?â Man #1, already on his third apple, is excited to share his newfound love of apples with the man sitting next to him, âyou tell the bartender what kind of drink you want, and he has an apple with those exact flavors! Iâm eating a Crown and 7 right now!â In disbelief, man #3 looks at man #1 and call him an idiot and a liar. Man #2 who is on his second apple chimes in, âheâs not lying. Iâm enjoying my Jack and coke flavored apple. Itâs like heâs got an apple for any flavor you want…â Man #3 is perplexed and takes a look at the bartender and asks, âis that true?â The bartender only responds with a nod of his head. Man #3 decides he wants to show the other two men that itâs some cheap parlor trick. He grins, looks at the bartender and says, âYou got any that taste like pussy?â The bartender doesnât hesitate, and immediately takes a look beneath the counter. Once again, he produces an apple and sets it in front of man #3. Man # 3 takes a look at the other 2 patrons who are eager for him to share their love for the magical apples. Man #3 takes a bite, expecting it to taste only like an apple. As soon as the bite touches his tongue, he spits it out. âThis tastes like shit!â, man # 3 exclaims. The bartender grins and says âturn it around…â
Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It's really time consuming. Especially if you go for seconds.
Actually the cat is both 50% in the bad and 50% not in the bag until we open it
https://ift.tt/2HlJjLn
All you gotta do is use a free VPN, and yet they think they are actually achieving something
All you gotta do is use a free VPN, and yet they think they are actually achieving something
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused on my trip to Japan
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia
Why are catholic priests called father?
Because âdaddyâ would be too suspicious
Cheating Wives
A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. He waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her, he found out she was working in a whore house. The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?" The guy replies that all the cabbie has to do is go inside the whore house, grab his wife, put her in the back of the cab, and take them home. The cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later, the whore house door gets kicked open, and the cabbie starts dragging out this woman who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here! Hold her!" The man looks down at the girl and yells to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE!" The cabbie replied, "I KNOW. IT'S MINE… I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!"