A sense of ownership
What did the hat say to the scarf?
You hang around here, I’ll go on ahead.
My brother just updated his status to “I love my girlfriend <3".
I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.
If a cowboy is happy
Does that make him a jolly rancher?
Marijuana and coffee are my favorite combination.
They're the reason ice mocha lot of weed
Since I’ve installed Adblock Plus
All the girls in my area suddenly lost their interest in me.
Why did EA cross the road?
Buy the DLC to find out
I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of January.
Edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of January.
I’m going to change my Facebook name to Benefits.
Now, when someone adds me on Facebook, it will say: you are now friends with Benefits.
Christmas is a lot like sex
I always get really excited but after it's over I regret spending all that money.
Australians dont reproduce
They mate
A woman listen’s in on her 4 year old playing with his train set
“All those getting off, go on fuck off, and all those gettin on fucking hurry up” The woman smacks his bum and sends him upstairs till he’s learned his lesson. 2 hours later the boy comes back down, says sorry to his mum and carries on playing, Mum listens in: ”all those departing thank you for travelling with us and have a good day! All those boarding, mind the gap and have a safe journey!…And all those who are upset by the 2 hour delay, blame the fat cunt in the kitchen!
A scottish man was found dead after a serious bar fight…
The police are still searching for the person who kilt him.
Sadly, I’ve lost 20% of my sight
Sigh…..
A nun gets into a cab and notices that the driver can’t stop staring at her…….
So she asks him why is he staring and he answers, "I have a question I need to ask you but I don't want to offend you." The nun replies, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you have had a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." The cab driver hesitates for a moment and then says, "Well it's like this; I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me." The nun replies, "Okay well, let's see what we can do about that, shall we. There are two conditions though – firstly you have to be single and secondly you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, yes! I am single and I'm Catholic too!" The nun then says, "Okay then, pull into the next alley." The cab driver does so and the nun duly goes ahead and fulfills his fantasy. They get back on the road and start driving again, but the cab driver soon starts to cry. The nun sees this and asks him, "My dear child, pray tell, why are you crying?" The cab driver says, "You must forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied to you – I must confess that I'm married and I'm also Jewish." The nun laughs and says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
Why did the Monkey fall out of the tree?
it was dead
What jokes are allowed during quarantine?
inside jokes 😀
The policeman despair when telling the lady to go home is both funny and sad.
https://ift.tt/2UpesFh
Son: “Hey Dad, how does a sundial work?”
*Dad hands Son a phone* Dad: "Ok, now just call someone." Son: "Why can't you do it?" Dad: "Because that would be a daddial."
To the guy who invented 0…
Thanks for nothing!
What is the difference between an epileptic clam shucker and a hooker with diarrhea?
One shucks between fits.
paper
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable.
Why dont chickens insult each other?
They dont like getting roasted
Sorry next generation, previous generation told current generation it was okay..
https://ift.tt/31VbTvZ
orion’s belt is a waist of space…
terrible joke, only three stars
What do you call a mute bodyguard?
A silent knight.
A friend of mine, a mother of 4 refused to get her children vaccinated.
Edit : Mother of three.. Edit2 : Mother of two… Edit3 : Mother of one….. Edit4 : Mo.. Wait..
I phoned the Child Abuse Hotline.
A kid answered, called me a cunt then hung up.
The internet connection at my farm is really sketchy…
So I moved the modem to the barn. Now I have stable Wi-Fi!
I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of Sprite.
It's only when I got home I realised I had picked 7 up.
I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
She hasn’t realized it yet, but the thyme is cumin…