A severely high level of education and meme comprehension is required to understand this meme that even 14 year olds can understand.
A cannibal is someone who…
…is fed up with people.
I am able to suck my period blood back into my vagina…
Allow me to demenstruate.
A lion will not cheat on his wife,
But a Tiger Wood!
Scientists have finally figured out how much sleep a teenager needs.
Just five more minutes.
What happened in Hong Kong this week?
According to Beijing, it's as calm as a June Summer's day in Tiananmen Square.
A programmer’s wife tells him as he leaves the house: “While you’re out, buy some milk.”
He never returns home and the universe runs out of milk.
Why 69 was afraid of 70?
Because once they had a fight and 71.
What do you call karate for amputees?
Partial Arts
Someone Stole My Anti-Depressants
Someone Stole My Anti-Depressants
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's fine, he woke up.
Why did the medium cross the road?
To talk to the other side
How do you make toast in the jungle?
Under the g(o)rill(a).
The opposite of isolate is
yousoearly.
My professor accused me of plagiarizing
His words, not mine.
4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar
The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light. The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke. The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied: "I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."
He really pinned Jim Jordan on the mat here, & I don’t think he’s getting up.
https://ift.tt/2NMRNzn
What do you call a girl who refuses to pay her bills?
Burnadebt (Just thought of this and I gotta admit…I'm a little bit proud of myself.)
When you have studied too much organic chemistry the past days and get this advertisement email
​https://ift.tt/35x0iF1
How do they expect you to eat your burrito in 30min. Smh
How do they expect you to eat your burrito in 30min. Smh
My Dad told me he always struggled with three subjects in school;
Maths, and he couldn’t remember the other one.
This one’s ok I guess
Son- Dad, I got my gf pregnant. Dad- Son, I'm disappointed. Son- Hi disappointed, I'm dad. Dad- You're ready.
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had ÂŁ100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected ÂŁ96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was ÂŁ4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office !
My deaf girlfriend just told me “I think we need to talk.”
That’s not a good sign.
Every day before class, I read my student a joke from r/jokes, but today I couldn’t make it.
So instead, a sub Reddit.
A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary…
… and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.' 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'
How do you turn soup into gold?
Add 24 carrots
Karen got hired to an offshore rig during the pandemic.
She's an essential oil worker now.
I can’t stand high frequency noises.
It Hertz my ears.
What do Game of Thrones and The Sixth Sense have in common?
Icey dead people
A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso, when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one…
Behind the second hearse, was a solitary Italian man, walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file. The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral, is it?" "My wife's." ''What happened to her?" "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" “My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also." It was a very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood. Silence passed between the two men. The Jewish man then asked, "Can I borrow the dog?" The Italian man replied, "Get in line."